What We Cannot Hear with our Ears, we must listen for with our souls.....

Saturday morning--9:07am and I've been without a working hearing aid since about 3:10 yesterday afternoon. Just like that--kaput. The natural hum of air conditioners, overhead lights and the ticking of clocks were erased from my world. Voices became muffled and I had to fall back on lip reading and body language.

Funny how when your outside world begins to disappear, your inner world of introspection ramps up a volume all its own.

With faith that my H.A. will move into full operation SOON--(do you detect my mounting impatience) I anticipate the epiphany that comes when the power suddenly returns after a period of silence and darkness.

Now, I can revel in this loss for a short spurt but when it goes on...and on...I have to reach inside for a resilience and acceptance so as not to add to my frustration.

I am grateful for the women at Subway last evening whose naturally booming, resonant voice made it easier to hear as I stop to pick up Friday night's Fast Food Frenzy for a family of seven.

I am grateful for my husband whose voice also carries and makes conversation easy and still possible--and for the cacophony of voices coming from my children which make me feel at home.

My eldest daughter, Everett joked that I'm now down 3 of my senses-smell.(check out my post Epiphanies of the Olfactory Sort), diminished sense of taste, and now--even more so, my hearing. I now have to kick into high gear...sight and touch. And for those of us with sixth sense...I rely more deeply on the connection of the divine with my soul.

With some pride, I note, how incredible it was that I went through the first half of my kindergarten year without the help of a hearing aid. More remarkable yet, was that my kindergarten teacher did not notice and was amazed that I did so well. Children are very adaptable and can often make up for that which they do not have. Please note the success of many children who are missing some body part or other from birth.

Yet, it is always more difficult to adjust to loss of what you know than to cope with what has been missing all along.

So, now here I am in my 40's. I realize what a great life I've had and how much I take for granted.

*A family who loves me unconditionally.
*A husband--true, faithful and steady.
*A job/career which for 15 years has provided a bi-weekly paycheck without fail--not to
mention great friends and co-workers who are ever true.
*The key to a house, which door has stood open to me on the same street and neighborhood
for over 11 years.
*A God, personal Savior and friend who will be steadfast forevermore.

As I experience these inconvenient losses--even for short periods--it is a great reminder that all of this shall pass away. It is a gift that I can be reminded to store up for myself treasures in heaven which will not rust nor perish. For one day I will have a new body--one that will not falter, a room in my Father's house, no tears and no pain. I will sing of his love forever.

For now I am grateful that I will always hear my Father's voice-hearing aid or not.

No complaints.....here...well, most of the time....

Okay...I admit it. I've been complaining lately. I have the red marks on my wrist to prove it.

Well, let me explain. Awhile ago I had overheard via a morning news show that some people were working on becoming. --not tobacco free, caffeine free, sugar free or fat free, but complaint free. And, in order to break the complaint habit they were wearing a purple plastic bracelet on their wrist. The bracelet was a reminder to be free of complaints. Each time a person who wished to be 'complaint free' would have a complaint, murmur, or discontent about their life, they would switch their bracelet to the other wrist to help him/herself become more conscious of this thought process. Switching the bracelet would also be an opportunity to express gratitude and look at the positive rather than the negative.

Being overwhelmed, and irritated more often as a by product of stress, I thought, this might be a great plan as I am not happy with where these negative thoughts are leading me in my life. Saturday morning I took a thick rubber band and put it around me wrist to see if it worked. For the first half hour, the band went back and forth so often one would have thought I was wringing my hands in distress. In so many ways, I guess I was.

Interestingly enough, my two teenage daughters caught on and did a little wrist changing of their own by Saturday night. It was fun to have some company--after all doesn't misery enjoy such a thing?

Where am I today--just two days later? Well, a little better off. Sure, I have a long way to go, but it struck me. I have so much to be thankful for--despite these irritations and misgivings. If I were to die tomorrow, or if all this would suddenly disappear, who am I to complain? I've already had so much more than a great number of others. So I say 'thank you, Lord'.

Read Psalm 63: 1-5

Psalm 63:5...My Soul will be satisfied....

Check out: <<>>
Read Will Bowen's Book , A Complaint Free World

The Illusion of Efficiency part 2

So here it is a week later and the benefits of my efficiency are: two long gone mutilated cartons of chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Some of its remnants may very well be housed somewhere on my hips. The yellow cupcake mix has been stirred, baked and devoured- while still remaining are smaller portions of the vanilla and chocolate frosting awaiting their fate with the chocolate cupcake mix. These will most likely be served as a treat for the first day after school. The bananas were mostly gone by the end of the next day and the poor guys with black spots swiftly moved to the fridge to await their doom as banana bread Oh, and the $1 cantaloupe is but a distant memory. The 'newbie' cashier( the source of my disgruntled wait) is most likely more adjusted to her job and the line at the local discount store is moving much more swiftly.

All this thought brings me back to Ecclesiastes Chapter 1.
"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher,
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

In my life, I do admit it. Very often, I can feel like nothing more than a dog chasing it's tail. I strive, I aspire, I plot, and pursue. For a brief few moments...like last Sunday, I can feel atop the world. The coupons line up on their dotted lines and they connect with the sales. The doors open and I breeze through until "WHAM" I'm face to face with the illusion that the glass did have a ceiling after all.

'It all had been going so well....' I whine. 'What happened?' Am I not in charge of my destiny? Do I not have the power to chart my own course? "If it is to be it is up to me" - right? Those 10 simple little words. Maybe. Maybe not.

So, Monday morning, I start off to work. As I merge onto the beltline, my mind begins a merger of it's own. " Every time, I don't spend money on x I'll put it in y. And any extra I get from z will go to help out a." " I will be efficient. I will get my ducks in a row. So ponder away I do. I am feeling powerful, efficient and in charge of my life!

Until....a van switches to my lane and there on the license plates it reads. Deut 8 18
A message from God! I quickly jot down the plate in my notebook and make a mental note to look it up later.

Deuteronomy 8:18 "But remember the Lord your God for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth and so confirms his covenant which he swore to your forefathers as it is today."

'Interesting.' I thought. So I went back a few verses and read some more.

I am to follow his commands. verse 1
I am to 'humble' myself. verse 2 and 14
I am to praise the Lord for his gifts and greatness. verse 10
I am to remember where/who it all comes from. verse 18

I cannot allow for the pride of my ways to diminish the truth that it is through God that my wealth(efficiency) and blessings come.

For when push comes to shove. This, that and the other of this earth is 'meaningless' as we have no true control over it all. It is merely an illusion that we do.

Meditate on this: Ecclesiastes 11:6-8
Remember him--before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken,
before the pitcher is shattered in the spring, or the wheel is broken at the well
and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God
who made it.

Meaningless! Meaningless! says the teacher. Everything is meaningless.

And yet...everything we do in God is everything.

The Illusion of Efficiency

What's my hurry?

I came in focused. I zeroed in on the deals, calculated my losses and tried to gauge which line would give me my best return.

Then it went south.

I took the risk and walked the length of the store to the 10 items or less line--after all I came in just under the wire with 9. And so there the game of entrapment ensued. The line was longer than I anticipated--but then again they all were. It would take me just as long to turn and walk the other way to the 20 items or less lines. I chided myself to 'be still'.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder if I could pick another line and escape from this discount store unscathed. I was doing so well. I managed to pluck a cantaloupe for a buck, stock up on two cake mixes to assure that the frostings opened this morning for Wyatt's donuts didn't go to waste-- ca-ching! at only 88 cents per mix.

I picked up the milk before we ran out. That'll save me time after work tomorrow. Two half gallons of ice cream for $5 in complimentary chocolate and vanilla. This will keep all the troops happy.

The bananas were just green enough to be the perfect ripeness by the time they've finished up the yellow ones in the basket tomorrow morning. No black spots for us! There were requests for M & M's for ice cream mix ins--on sale! Oops...I forgot Wyatt prefers peanut butter cups... and oila! - an 8 pack of peanut butter cups for merely a dollar magically appeared at a column just before the 10 items or less register. Plop! they went right into the cart.

Yes, smug I was at this job well done.
That was... until... the line slumped to a snail's pace.

Stay tuned and find out... did I jump the line?, did I arrive home with a melted mess? and what exactly did my Lord have to say to me about this obsession with being efficient?

Beautiful

Beautiful by Carmela Mulroe

I look at you in the mirror,
and contrary to what you may believe...
contrary to what others may have told you.

You are beautiful.

Your shoulders straight are beautiful.
Your breasts taut and proud are beautiful.
Your shape and curve are beautiful.
Your hair with color and shine are beautiful.
Your smile and the sparkle of your eyes are beautiful.
Your imperfections created in God's image and plan.....are beautiful.

Strip all away, shoulders, eyes, shape, hair --even imperfections and what lays beneath it all...
fluid, perfect and complete is the beauty you hold within.

Beautiful

Let us all rejoice today in the fact that we are 'fearfully, wonderfully, made'...in God's image and plan. Read Psalm 139 as a wonderful reminder. Embrace your beauty today.

Striving for....what?

Somewhere in the midst of July, just before I put my weary head down on the pillow one night, I turned to my husband and said, " I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't always striving so...if I could just live and not be consumed with what I am doing or not doing."

I must have been tired-so much so that I can't remember his response, or if he even gave one. I believe I was 'out' before my head even hit the pillow. I mentioned my strivings the next day to a friend. "I wonder what it would be like to not strive so?" I don't know that she quite got what I meant. I don't know if I even knew what I meant. As I tried to explain it, it sounded more like a complaint, or that I was tired of the work I was doing. Even now as I write this, I can feel the vortex pulling me in a spiral as I talk circles around this subject.

So....I've looked the word strive up in the dictionary. Here is what it said.

Strive: 1. Try hard, work hard; strive for self control. Strive to succeed.
2. struggle; fight; The swimmer strove against the tide.
(Scott Foresman Intermediate Dictionary)

Ahh, yes. I think I've found my trouble in definition number 2. I've turned my aspirations and callings into a struggle and fight. Is it any wonder that I am so tired at the end of the day? Is it any wonder that God's purpose and joy in my life begins to feel like an albatross around my neck instead of a gift? I begin to compartmentalize and count the ways of wrongdoings. Blame begins to point it's ugly finger.

You haven't written a post to your blog since June 25th.
There will be no posts for July--not a one!

If you want to write that book, you need to write at least two pages a day.
In a month that would be 60 pages--better than NOTHING!

Why aren't you walking every morning? You're not as young as you used to be.
Your body won't bounce back as easily.....

Get those brochures and letters out. People need to know you are
available for presentations.

And so it goes. The blame game runs itself, round and round and round until I am trapped in the center, mired with doubts, shame and blame. How can I unwind all this? How can I shake myself free from these strivings that leave me swimming upstream?

I need to relax a bit and let go of the reigns. Yes, I must work. Yes, I must do my part. But, where does my strength come from, but from God.

"Not by power or might,
but by my spirit, declares the Lord of Hosts."
Zechariah 4:6

Room on the Page

Sitting on the breezeway; curled up on the leather chair. Birds chirp outside; air conditioners hum and the woosh of an occassional car drives by the house.

It is a moment to be still--to obtain comfort from voices inside my house without needing to respond nor adhere to the meaning of their sounds.

My have to do list and my want to do list would cascade off even a legal sized page. But in this moment I choose to let those items all slide off. Instead, for a moment, I pretend the page is blank--completely white. And, I ask my God.
"What dear Lord, would you have me put upon that page?"


Why, I wonder, do I fill my page so that there is no room for my Lord to write?

Epiphanies. of the olfactory sort....

The first thing you must understand is that I haven't smelled much of anything...or I could say I have smelled just about absolutely nothing since February of this year. It's this sinus thing that came upon me January 22nd to be exact.

The first line of my journal on that evening--

" A red letter day--and today, I cannot breathe. I find myself mired in this physical difficulty. .....
I am getting closer to my visions and thus the very breath is being sucked out of me."

Dramatic, yes, I know--perhaps a bit. But you must know that air at that point was not getting in nor out through my nostrils. Short of hanging myself upside down from the ceiling, I was trying everything and NOTHING was working! A doctor's visit, sudafed, a call to the nurses hot line and many suggestions later...I could breathe, but I was continuously blowing, sniffling, taking my dosage of sudafed and telling myself--'Not too much longer, this will end.'.

Funny, though, when I think back, I cannot remember when exactly my ability to smell vanished. It was probably during one of the 'stuffed up' episodes when I didn't take too much notice of that one little fact as I concentrated on clearing passages so that I could indeed, breathe.

Food wasn't so much fun either, but hey, I could stand to lose a few. I learned to fend off the comments.."Do you still have that cold?" "What does the doctor say?" Life was busy after all and who has time for such trivialities as 'smell'.

It turned out...I did. Around March, I became weary and missed that I could no longer smell the coffee brewing. Cookies were in the oven and I had to watch the clock more precisely because I didn't catch the "almost done" smell I used to rely on. Showers, shampooing and sudsing up were all now 'senseless' acts. Which shampoo to use? Did it really matter?

Towards the end of March I went to spend a few days with my parents, as I spent time there I realized with great sadness that I was not smelling the fragrant cooking smells often associated with my father's kitchen. I would leave that weekend and have no sweet smelling memories of garlic, bread baking, nor tomato sauce simmering. At such a moment I felt the depth of my loss. It was the Sunday morning before I was to return home that I experienced my first 'smell epiphany'.

We had just finished the noon meal when all of a sudden 'smells' assaulted me and I couldn't quite distinguish them one from another. I began sniffing wildly. To which my father looked at me and said, "What's wrong...? Something smell?" "Oh, yes...something smells! But it's a good smell!" I could smell the tomato sauce, I put a forkful of homemade pasta to my nose and I swear I could even smell the pasta. I picked up my cup of coffee and smelled the richness of the dark roasted coffee beans. I took a slice of the homemade bread and inhaled in the musty smell of yeast and flour. I smelled the cheese, the olives, and even the butter. I believed I had experienced a miracle...but as quickly as it came...sadly, it was gone.

I would have a few more of these experiences in which I would have the luxury of smelling cinnamon, oatmeal, my own perfume, hand cream, bacon frying in hot grease and the musty odor of the garage. I have come to call these moments 'smell epiphanies'. For me they are nothing less than the Alleluia Chorus sung by angels. Unfortunately they last all of about 5 minutes.

Yesterday afternoon, I had another one of these 'epiphanies'. It happened about 3:15 in the afternoon while preparing to frost the 'graduation cupcakes' for our 8th grader. Out of nowhere a scent wafted through my nostrils. It was the sweet smell of warm chocolate from the cupcakes.
It was a moment to grab. Quick! What would I like to smell? I picked up a sandwich half and put it near enough to smell. Interestingly enough, I could dissect the sandwich down to the scent of the lettuce. What next? The roses I purchased for the graduate beckoned to me from their vase. Ohh, such sweetness! I had to go back a couple of times for more. My daughter laughed from her chair on the breezeway as I carried on so. I ran from thing to thing because I didn't know how long this epiphany would last. As always, I smelled the coffee grounds, I smelled a cupcake, the frosting canister, ....what next? Outdoors! I pushed the screen door open, ran to the yard, picked up a pot of dirt...and just wasn't sure if that was a smell or not....tried again...and realized it was over. As quickly as it began, it ended. Sigh.....

There are so many moments in my life, I need to grab and savor...because I just don't really know when they will end. This olfactory problem makes me keenly aware of the importance of the little things. We just can't take them for granted. Life changes and there is indeed a time for everything.

Father, Let me sing while my voice can still carry a tune. Let me hug while loved ones are near. Let me walk the miles my legs allow me to go. Let me send cheerful notes to those who can still open envelopes, and let me give thanks for all the blessings big and small that make a difference in my days.

Vexed Ego

Are you God's Host or your Egos's Hostage?
I heard this phrase once and have used it as a question especially when I have become overly attached to the outcome of my pursuits in terms of how well I did or did not perform. One area in my life where I am very hard on myself is during a scrabble game. ..... Ok, I admit it. I am very competitive. I may not show it outwardly, but I want to win. I want big points for the words I come up with.

One such game was interesting as I relentlessly tried to score high against a friend who is an excellent scrabble player. My trouble on this occasion was that I kept picking low scoring letters along with way too many vowels. So, of course, the big counters just weren't happening. Slowly and oh, so insidiously I became more and more unhappy with my results. Doggone it...what kind of word could I make? Last I checked 'eieio' wasn't really a word outside of McDonald's farm! My friend's score rose by leaps and bounds and mine merely trickled, 10 points here, 8 there and maybe a whopping 15 over here. The more her score accelerated, the more I gagged and fumed over the smoke left in her wake.

And then it came...that silent little voice that often nudges at me. " you can only do the best with what you have" and my bigger, bossier voice said, 'well, if I was worth my weight in letters, I'd be able to come up with something better than this."
(small silent voice) "be reasonable, just do the best you can."
(bossy alter ego) "Well, come on now, I just need a little meat here. something to work with --cut me some slack!"
(small silent voice) "Have you ever thought of the people out there who just do the
best they can--with what they have?"
(bossy alter ego) "What does that have to do with scrabble? Ugh! Would you look at that--another triple letter score!"
(small silent voice) 'sigh'

The game went on- word for word. Once again it was my turn and on my wooden holder stood 3 E's a D, 2 I's and a U. My eyes scanned the board for what little hope I placed in finding a stellar word. And then as if someone turned the light on in heaven, I saw a place to put my precious e and d. On the end of the word 'vex' with the nearby 'go' I could intersect the two and make 'vexed ego'!

Finally some points that mattered. I was thrilled and amazed at how perfectly my two little scorers could work their way in to what I would term as a home run or a touch down! I still had what it took to make a creative play.

(small silent voice) " ...that's what you have.."
(bossy alter ego) " a nice move!"
(small silent voice) "...no, a vexed ego."

As my friend continued to peruse the board for her next move, I went to look up the word 'vex'.

Vex: 2. to torment, trouble, distress, plague, worry.

When I put them together, I stopped dead in my tracks. Here I was so consumed by winning that I placed the value of who I was as a child of God primarily on my ability to get 'high scoring' words. Did I not realize that it wasn't all about 'me'? Did I not realize that in this world sometimes, we can only do the best we can and leave room for the miracles of God to pave the way?

When I put too much stock in my own abilities, I begin to become plaqued and tormented by the worry that I am not enough. I put all my actions under a microscope and continue to disect how I could've done better, faster, and greater. I begin to compare and contrast to the actions of others. I soon become my ego's hostage. I edge God out and I am no longer his host.
My peace is gone. So I turn to scripture for the prescription of a vexed ego.

Phillipians 2:3 -5 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude to be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

What's control got to do with it?!

This morning in the shower I felt overwhelmed.

The pellets of water cascaded over me and try as I might to list all the things I was thankful for: wonderful mother's day-with kids I love, new pepper seedlings sprouting, a rewarding job, a repaired vehicle..... my mind kept taking me back to the bills, the rush of trying to keep up, sibling rivalry, the future forseen and unseen.

I tried to lay claim to my rights as a child of the God who is mighty, my fortress, my refuge and strength. Finally I sighed in frustration and asked..'why Oh Lord, with thankfulness and laying claim to your word do I still feel overwhelmed...and well, miserable?'

An almost immediate response came to the depths of my inner being--'because you want to control it all.' It stopped me in mid-sudsing. "I do NOT want to control it all." I protested.
"I just want to do it right." After all, if I parented right, budgeted right, pulled the weeds in a timely manner, wrote daily, created better to do lists, was organized, stayed on top of things, my life would not be out of control!

At the near point of hyperventilating at the thought of all I was not doing 'right' in my life, I quickly rinsed off and stepped out of the shower to get some air. "I do not have time for this" I hissed to myself.

The minutes marched on and I quickly grabbed my stuff and headed to our room to prepare for the day ahead. I flipped on the tv and Joyce Meyer talked about children in Cambodia who had to scavage for food daily at the dump. I thought about children who were hungry here in our country, people who lost jobs and went without. I was also reminded of people who did work hard--very hard, but still couldn't make ends meet. After all vehicles break down, accidents happen, and relationships can crumble. Even Jesus said, "in this life you will have troubles." I was trying so hard to have no troubles that it was robbing me of my peace. "No, " I thought to myself. " I cannot control it all."

The tension in my body started to relax itself. With a few more deep breaths, I gave it up. I am no more in complete control of my own life than a tree is in control of what direction the wind blows its leaves. I can only do what I can do and relinquish the rest to God.

Edward Everett Hale said:
I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something.
And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

My prayer for today: Lord help me to realize that I cannot control it all. Help me to do what I can and leave the leftover 'stuff' to you. Amen.

The Choice is Ours......

It all began with an apple. To eat or not to eat? That was the question. Or was it?

In life the choice is always ours. To be or not to be? To believe or to not believe? To follow, or not to follow?

In an individualistic society as we have today--it all boils down to my own person or God's person? Nicodemus was told that he could have the kingdom of heaven in John 3 if he were born again. The rich man in Matthew 19 was told he could have the kingdom of heaven if he sold all he had and followed Jesus.

Each of these men--including us--have that choice. Do we want to hold onto all we have on this earth--in this world? OR do we want to choose the life that God has for us?

If only it were as simple as to whether we will eat the apple, or not. Heck, I'd give up apples for eternal happiness and bliss.

But, will I give up control? Will I give up the notion that I am the center of my universe? Will I give up the possibility of the self made life of glamour and grandeur that the media promises me daily?

Sunday morning I felt the tug at my soul. There was the sobering thought as I came to the morning light. 'Many--though I don't like the implication of this word--will choose self over God.' It will be more important to use the 'free will' God has given to be the individual self separate from God than to be with God.

To some individuals-with myself at risk as well--the cost/risk of losing God is of less importance than being all that we want to be--right or wrong. Has self bravado and the mark of individuality become more important than being in the image of God?

In the beginning was the choice. Woman and man chose self. Jesus came to offer us another chance at the choice. What will you choose?

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." Phil 2:3-5

Do not grow weary......for you will reap a pepper!

A motivational speaker stated, it's not how many seeds in the apple that count but rather how many apples in the seed. In my case- peppers.

My saga began during the first week of August 2008 when I cut open a red bell pepper and decided to take the core of seeds and plant it in a 16oz bright yellow smiley face mug. I scooped in some dirt, placed the core of seeds(I didn't even bother to spread them), covered them with dirt, added water, placed them on a sunny window ledge and hoped for the best. After about a week and a half passed, I noticed a few green sprouts. I quickly scooped up the yellow mug and took it for a tour of the office. "Look, I'm getting pepper plants!" Everyone nodded politely and went back to their work. Vigilantly I watered, watched and waited expectantly for the next milestone of pepperhood.

Reluctantly, I left for vacation with strict orders to my staff, "Don't let anything happen to the pepper plants!" They complied and my pepper plants had grown about another 1/2 inch by the time of my return. And so it went...water, watch and wait. Water, watch and wait.

The time had finally come when I could count about 24 sprouts in that mug. It was time to separate this growing family and leave them room to thrive in separate pots. I took a family portrait and stuck it to the side of the indoor greenhouse plastic. This way they could remember their heritage and the bright yellow mug they came from.

With so many changes coming to the pepperdom, I consulted with my seasoned gardner/father for advice. It was not the news I wanted to hear. "You won't get peppers." he said matter of factly.

" But what if I keep the plants indoors...in a greenhouse?" I was grasping for straws.

I had made it this far. What was I to do? I couldn't just give up, stop watering, and neglect this new life that had come to be. Could I? His response to my protests--"It isn't very likely".

As in all things, time passed. I continued to water and watched as the plants became sturdier and the leaves green and plentiful. During the holidays I gloated as a proud parent to my own parents on the growth taking place. My mother, ever the practical one, stated that the plant could have all the leaves it wantd but without flowering there would be no fruit, ahem 'pepper'.

Not too long after this conversation--lo and behold I had not one, but two flowers come to rest upon one of the pepper plants. I was beside myself with joy. Again the plant made it's rounds among the staff and residents. This time I got a little more than a nod and my consistent vigil started up once again. It was with great disappointment that I had to report that the flowers dropped from the leaves and no pepper was in sight.

Life went on. I learned to knit. I continued my blog, my children needed me more, the snow fell and winter colds came and went. Through it all I watered, watched and waited. Then, not too long ago, I noticed a couple of flowers popping out not on just one plant, but now two! I took these two plants from the pepperdom and set them right near my desk and windowsill.

Last Sunday evening--March 1st I spoke with my father over the phone in regards to summer gardening. Again the topic of the pepper plants came up. "Do you think if I put them outside this summer I might get some peppers?" I waited for the answer I wanted. "No, Carm, I don't think there will be any peppers from those plants." I sighed. Perhaps I could start again with a new batch.

Later that evening, I went into work to catch up on a few things. I glanced up over my computer toward one of the plants. The flowers seemed to be sticking to something. I stood up to get a closer look. It was a green bump. "By golly...could it be...Lord, of all things...a pepper!!!"

Heaven and earth moved. I sat down in that moment and wrote on a post it note--" Let us not grow weary of doing good for at a proper time we will reap a harvest -if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Jesus and everything, we''ll ever need.

I am writing in the wee hours of the morning to break the spell of not writing. It's not that I haven't thought of writing and actually have some well penned articles in my head. There's the one about playing scrabble and my vexed ego, the one I want to tribute to my father--"Memories of my father"--while he still lives, and the other about becoming like a child in order to enter the kingdom of God.

Somehow my overriding need for "doing it right" is winning over the "just get 'er done". Well enough is enough. I am writing for better or for worse. It may not flow. Hey, it just might be 'all over the map', and abounding with one cliche after another. Yet, there is a part of me that just needs to fill space. Whatever happened to I am loved by God just because. " I am fearfully wonderfully made"?(Psalm 139 13:14)

My inner life is fraught with all I should be doing, should have done, and should plan to do.

Whatever happened to 'be still and know that I am God"?(Psalm 46:10)

Two memories come to mind:

1. I was on a bus, rushing to meet my next connection on the way to work. My mind was moving faster than my body as my stress level mounted with each item I remembered on my list of things to do. Suddenly--out of nowhere, in my mind's eye I saw Jesus standing in a doorway and he said, "What's the rush? I'll still be here." It took me back for a second and opened my eyes to the fact that my rushing and stressing was not going to make one iota of a difference. Jesus is always there for me.

2. One day as I was clearing the altar at work after a church service for our residents, I received a strong feeling and voice of God in my heart tell me that " I will provide 'everything' you need." I did not get the sense that it was all about material items. He literally meant 'everything'--courage, time, resources etc...to do what he called me to do.

So now, I will end this-abrupt as it is. For I will always have Jesus, and God will provide 'everything' that I need--and for you too. : )

Be Still...Be Silent.....

What do you say when you have nothing to say?

The silence falls around you.

Do you embrace it?
Or make an effort to fill it?

Silence hangs like dead weight.

It is so thick...only words can cut it.

But if you are brave enough to withstand the pressure, and wait patiently.....
it will lift like the morning fog, and you will see things more clearly than ever before.

Fill in the blank...Go ahead, I DARE you!

Be truthful...we've all said " I am not _______(strong, talented, young, old or good) enough." at one time or another.

David did not think he was strong or big enough.
Moses did not think he was leader enough.
Sarah and Abraham did not think they were young enough.
Mary Magdalene did not think she was good enough.

But we learn along the way, that when God is involved we are enough. In my own life I was born with a syndrome called Treacher Collins, and for much of my life, I would wonder if I was enough. With treacher collins syndrome, I was born with hearing loss and a cleft palate. A hearing aid corrected my hearing to an extent, and surgery closed up my palate. However, my facial depressions--especially around the cheek bone area remain. So, I don't look or talk like your average person. Some people notice more than others.

I've carried on and God has given me a wonderful life. But doubt does sometimes creep in.
I love to sing, and I have been told I have a nice voice. Yet, when I was in the 6th grade and a new member of a choral group named the 'songsters', a friend and I were on the playground. We were speaking to a boy in our class and telling him that we had both made it into the music group. The boy seemed shocked and said to me, "Sing..?! You can't even talk." This filled me with some self-doubt. It made me wonder how others perceived me. It made me wonder if I would be enough to pursue my love of song and performing for others.

As time goes on, I see God opening the doors to share my story. It involves getting up in front of others and trusting that with God at my side, I am enough.

I especially love to sing the chorus of two songs: "Here I Am Lord" and "On Eagles Wings"
When you put them together,

Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.

And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, Bare you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand.

it is a complete equation. 1. You step forward and give yourself to God. 2. He comes forth and raises you up on wings like eagles.

So, regardless of what you think, regardless of what you've been told, with God at your side, you are _________(fill in the blank) enough.

Even Moses was not indispensable.

About a week ago while out shopping for bins to store Christmas decorations,I was talking with my daughter about how I liked storage containers and organzing. She took a double take to see if she heard right, and then questioned me with a surprised-"You organized?" It took me back a bit. Believe it or not, I was once considered organized. Yet as I thought about my daughter's reaction, I couldn't exactly blame her. My current life flies at me so quickly, I, in no stretch of the imagination, would come across as organized.

At first I felt slightly wounded. What happened to that person I knew as organized? Upon deeper reflection, I began to realize that there were a few traits that I once counted as concrete in the foundation of who I was..that no longer stood. As I reflected further, it brought to mind the older adults that I work with and the fact, that they too have probably lost out on some of their traits that they found to be tried and true. Perhaps Mary had the best memory this side of every elephant in the zoo. Then one day a friend noted that she hasn't been remembering all the birthdays she once did. In fact, she may have forgotten a few altogether in the past year. Belinda has always been known for her singing voice, and now that her empheseyma has taken over, her voice doesn't hold the same melodic fervor it once did. Oscar could hit any ball out of the park. Now he sits on the sidelines and coaches his grandson on the fundamentals of baseball.

Its not easy, but all of us at one point in our lives need to relinquish the roles that God has assigned and move onto other roles. We need to remember that we are not the roles we play. Underneath it all, we are God's creation and destined to be where we are at each point along the road. St. Therese of Leisiux learned through her time as a cloistered nun and through her eventual illness..'as I become less and less, He comes to be more.'

Now more than a week after these musings, I opened my Bible up to the first chapter of Joshua and began reading: "After the death of Moses, the servant of the Lord, the Lord said the Joshua son of Nun, Moses'aide 'Moses my servant is dead. Now then you and all these people get ready to cross the Jordan river into the land I am about to give to them--the Israelites.'

It struck me...like a 'I could've had a V8 commercial'. We all have our roles to play, but time marches on, and God will use anyone to set his people free. It's humbling. It's not about me after all.

In this world, we all want to hold onto the adjectives and labels which make us important and worthwhile in society. It may be, best salesperson, great public speaker, writer, quickwitted, best chef, decorator etc... But when we hold onto these labels as our main identity, we put ourselves at risk at holding our own selves and talents up for idolatry. We soon become fearful of losing the talents that God gave us to share and to use "for such a time as this."

A dream, a new bike and his word

Psalm 119: 105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Just before waking this morning I had a dream in which I was trying to pedal my bike. The bike looked fine, and didn't seem in disrepair, but I could not get the bike pedal to move forward no matter how hard I tried. Eventually my companion and I decided that it might be time for a new bike. This old one just wasn't working. I felt resistance to getting a new bike. I liked this old bike and other than the pedal not moving forward--it was just fine.

Eventually my sister Marguerite came over and had told me that she found some new bikes for us. She did not bring the bikes in for the visit, but she had in her hand warranties and manuals for us to read. That was about as far as the dream took me. When I awoke, the verse from Psalm 119 came to my mind. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

My interpretation is that --if the "bike" I have will not pedal anymore, I need to find a new vehicle or I will not move forward. My "pedal" is stuck. The manual and warranties that I need to possess are all in my Bible.

As confirmation, this mornings devotional from Streaming Faith Devotionals spoke about how we need to get into God's word and claim his promises to move forward in our lives.

What about you...is your 'pedal' stuck? Get into God's word and move forward!

The Ageless Soul

Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in God alone.

Recently as I stood in line behind a woman in the grocery store. I noted how shopping for one was markedly different than shopping for seven. I also noted that this woman was most likely in her 80s. She stood tall and straight, but I couldn't help but notice some of the affects of aging in her wrinkles, jowels, and slow actions. My mind quickly assessed that she was once young. I tried to picture a younger version of this now older woman. As I waited my turn, I mused over the fact that she was once a baby and that the same soul which resided in that infant body, is still the same soul which resides in this elderly body today. With faith in an everlasting life in Christ...this same soul will live out eternity with God. I find this mind boggling.

Turn this over in your brain and read Psalm 139--especially verses 13-18. It makes you realize that your soul is infinitely connected to your creator. Wow!