Striving for....what?

Somewhere in the midst of July, just before I put my weary head down on the pillow one night, I turned to my husband and said, " I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't always striving so...if I could just live and not be consumed with what I am doing or not doing."

I must have been tired-so much so that I can't remember his response, or if he even gave one. I believe I was 'out' before my head even hit the pillow. I mentioned my strivings the next day to a friend. "I wonder what it would be like to not strive so?" I don't know that she quite got what I meant. I don't know if I even knew what I meant. As I tried to explain it, it sounded more like a complaint, or that I was tired of the work I was doing. Even now as I write this, I can feel the vortex pulling me in a spiral as I talk circles around this subject.

So....I've looked the word strive up in the dictionary. Here is what it said.

Strive: 1. Try hard, work hard; strive for self control. Strive to succeed.
2. struggle; fight; The swimmer strove against the tide.
(Scott Foresman Intermediate Dictionary)

Ahh, yes. I think I've found my trouble in definition number 2. I've turned my aspirations and callings into a struggle and fight. Is it any wonder that I am so tired at the end of the day? Is it any wonder that God's purpose and joy in my life begins to feel like an albatross around my neck instead of a gift? I begin to compartmentalize and count the ways of wrongdoings. Blame begins to point it's ugly finger.

You haven't written a post to your blog since June 25th.
There will be no posts for July--not a one!

If you want to write that book, you need to write at least two pages a day.
In a month that would be 60 pages--better than NOTHING!

Why aren't you walking every morning? You're not as young as you used to be.
Your body won't bounce back as easily.....

Get those brochures and letters out. People need to know you are
available for presentations.

And so it goes. The blame game runs itself, round and round and round until I am trapped in the center, mired with doubts, shame and blame. How can I unwind all this? How can I shake myself free from these strivings that leave me swimming upstream?

I need to relax a bit and let go of the reigns. Yes, I must work. Yes, I must do my part. But, where does my strength come from, but from God.

"Not by power or might,
but by my spirit, declares the Lord of Hosts."
Zechariah 4:6