Vexed Ego

Are you God's Host or your Egos's Hostage?
I heard this phrase once and have used it as a question especially when I have become overly attached to the outcome of my pursuits in terms of how well I did or did not perform. One area in my life where I am very hard on myself is during a scrabble game. ..... Ok, I admit it. I am very competitive. I may not show it outwardly, but I want to win. I want big points for the words I come up with.

One such game was interesting as I relentlessly tried to score high against a friend who is an excellent scrabble player. My trouble on this occasion was that I kept picking low scoring letters along with way too many vowels. So, of course, the big counters just weren't happening. Slowly and oh, so insidiously I became more and more unhappy with my results. Doggone it...what kind of word could I make? Last I checked 'eieio' wasn't really a word outside of McDonald's farm! My friend's score rose by leaps and bounds and mine merely trickled, 10 points here, 8 there and maybe a whopping 15 over here. The more her score accelerated, the more I gagged and fumed over the smoke left in her wake.

And then it came...that silent little voice that often nudges at me. " you can only do the best with what you have" and my bigger, bossier voice said, 'well, if I was worth my weight in letters, I'd be able to come up with something better than this."
(small silent voice) "be reasonable, just do the best you can."
(bossy alter ego) "Well, come on now, I just need a little meat here. something to work with --cut me some slack!"
(small silent voice) "Have you ever thought of the people out there who just do the
best they can--with what they have?"
(bossy alter ego) "What does that have to do with scrabble? Ugh! Would you look at that--another triple letter score!"
(small silent voice) 'sigh'

The game went on- word for word. Once again it was my turn and on my wooden holder stood 3 E's a D, 2 I's and a U. My eyes scanned the board for what little hope I placed in finding a stellar word. And then as if someone turned the light on in heaven, I saw a place to put my precious e and d. On the end of the word 'vex' with the nearby 'go' I could intersect the two and make 'vexed ego'!

Finally some points that mattered. I was thrilled and amazed at how perfectly my two little scorers could work their way in to what I would term as a home run or a touch down! I still had what it took to make a creative play.

(small silent voice) " ...that's what you have.."
(bossy alter ego) " a nice move!"
(small silent voice) "...no, a vexed ego."

As my friend continued to peruse the board for her next move, I went to look up the word 'vex'.

Vex: 2. to torment, trouble, distress, plague, worry.

When I put them together, I stopped dead in my tracks. Here I was so consumed by winning that I placed the value of who I was as a child of God primarily on my ability to get 'high scoring' words. Did I not realize that it wasn't all about 'me'? Did I not realize that in this world sometimes, we can only do the best we can and leave room for the miracles of God to pave the way?

When I put too much stock in my own abilities, I begin to become plaqued and tormented by the worry that I am not enough. I put all my actions under a microscope and continue to disect how I could've done better, faster, and greater. I begin to compare and contrast to the actions of others. I soon become my ego's hostage. I edge God out and I am no longer his host.
My peace is gone. So I turn to scripture for the prescription of a vexed ego.

Phillipians 2:3 -5 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude to be the same as that of Christ Jesus.