And we all shall be white as snow....

Oftentimes, as I have noted in the past, God speaks to me through license plates.  Sometimes, he speaks through very ordinary plates.

Driving yesterday I saw a plate- REV 709.  It framed in my minds eye the way the Holy Spirit often frames things for me and I received the nudge to look up Revelation 7:9.  Later that evening, I was reminded of this and I looked it up.


Revelation 7:9-   After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.


One day we will be united as one- standing before the throne praising our King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

"Guided"

My dad's going to be 90 this coming week.  Yes, 90.  And, you know how people say their kid is 5 going on 30?  Well my dad is 90 going on 30.  Or, so he'd like to think.  Atrial Fib, CHF and 4th stage kidney disease aside, to hear my dad talk he's healthy as a horse-- aside from this darn back that won't straighten, pressure when he walks and a few aches here and there.

Yet, he wants to drive. He won the vehicular 'lottery' in VA and his new driver's license is good for 6 years.  He does concede it may be his last driver's license, but he intends to drive every minute that he can.  It leaves me nervous and unsure of my role as his daughter. 

Planning to move 'south' for the winter to escape another long Chicago deep freeze he didn't renew his plates, nor winterize his vehicle.  Now two months later he is asking me and my sister to get everything in place for his return home.  Never mind that the winter he sought to escape has barely started, but homesickness has won out over the balmier temps of the southeast.

So now, as much as I want to 'honor' my father and be the dutiful daughter I have been for much of my life, I am faced with the dilemma of doing what is 'best' for all involved while already spinning plates, juggling balls and keeping my eye on the prize.

Seriously conflicted, I did what I usually do-- cry out to God.  "HELP!!"   or "Take this away...I just don't want to deal with this."  Yep, that is just about how this morning went, in the car-- between verses of praise and the hysteria of 'why me!?'   

As the Holy Spirit calmed me, I recalled the verse about trusting even when we don't know what's going to happen next.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight."
 "Ok, Lord," I said, " I'm trusting you to guide me through this."
At that moment a small aqua colored vehicle switched lanes in front of me. 
The plates read, "GUIDED".   I smiled, as the Lord basically said.  "Consider it done."

Who I Am

Today's Prayer

Holy Spirit guide me.
Lead me in the way of your namesake.
Teach me your ways.
Write your words upon my heart.

I beseech you-
Clean my heart and make my path straight.

Abba, Father,  I cry out to you.
Help me to see that my life is less about what I do and more about who I am.

For what I do reflects who I am.

Steps are ordered...even with...(especially with) unanswered prayers

Just this afternoon as I brought my daughter home from the YMCA, the radio played her favorite country station. We had just pulled into the garage.  I lost in my thoughts of things yet to be done, she turned to me and asked, "Do you thank God for unanswered prayers?"  Reflexively I said, "yes.".   She shrugged her shoulders and jumped from the car.  I noted the song title on the radio display..."Unanswered Prayers".  I didn't give it too much thought other than had I given it more thought, I'd have to admit that I wouldn't necessarily 'thank' him until I could see in hindsight the outcome it brought about. 

Fast forward 7 hours:  I am in bed reading a book I found at the library this afternoon.- Greater by Steven Furtick.  As I had  walked into the library I glanced at a display of new non-fiction books and saw 'Steven Furtick's' name even before the title of the book could grab my attention.  It was a name I had recently come across by means of Sandy Krakowski, an up and coming, dynamic social media marketing expert.   I picked up the book, fell in love with it almost immediately, checked it out and have stolen glances at it throughout my day until I was able to settle in for a longer look.

In chapter 8 entitled 'Trust Fund Baby', Furtick makes reference to all the prayers that go unanswered in our lives and mentions Garth Brooks' song by the same title.  This brought my 'little thought about incident ' to light and tied it all together.  In and of itself, the brief exchange between myself and daughter would not have been given all that much thought, yet in light of what I read this evening, in a book that I may not have picked up if I had not heard of the author through a social media expert who I had inadvertently discovered on Facebook, I have found myself linking the pieces to see how God uses ALL things to teach, prepare, and move us forward in the GREATER picture!

I hope I have not lost you.  I hope that you see that in your life, God wastes no event and that no prayer goes unanswered....even when we think it does.

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his ways." Psalm 37:23 KJV

The Burden of Perfection

Are you living under the burden of perfection?

If someone were to ask me this question, most likely my answer would be 'no'. And I would begin to list all the ways that I am not perfect.  Stands to reason that if I were a perfectionist, I'd be turning out really 'great' stuff.   Yet, truth is, I am living under the burden of perfection when I consistently avoid writing in this blog because I don't have the right topic, am not overwhelmed by emotion, or the content doesn't personally wow me or knock my socks off.

 

I may not volunteer to lead songs at church even though I can carry a tune and keep on pitch--because it might not be amazing or sound like Taylor Swift.  I don't step forward to write a column for the newsletter because it sure as heck won't be pulitzer prize winning stuff. 

 

Living under the burden of perfection is not fine tuning your craft, belaboring a scrapbook and turning out top notch layouts, or decorating a cake for a friend's birthday in bakery style.  Living under the burden of perfection is being immobilized from action because you can't do it perfectly and feel that what you would turn out is unworthy.    I started this post over one year ago and never got beyond the first rhetorical question, 'Are you living under the burden of perfection?'

 

Yes, I am.   And it's high time, I focused less on doing whatever it is, perfectly and got to the business of just doing what I am called to do.  I will then be released of my burden and free to live the life God intended.

 

Ephesians 2:10  'For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.'

Open Hands

Open Hands

by

Carmela Mulroe

I hold my hands open in emptiness.

I hold my hands open in fullness.

********

I hold my hands open in emptiness waiting to be filled.

I hold my hands open in fullness waiting to be relieved of the heaviness I carry.

I hold my hands open:

accepting the ebb and flow of life,

the gift and grief,

the past, present, future,

and the desire to be whole.

I open my hands in acceptance of love, loss, life and death.

I open my hands in emptiness waiting to be filled.

Born This Way

Sometimes, especially in high school, I would ponder the thought…”What if I had been born ‘normal’?” Normal to me would mean--normal hearing, normal speech, and normal facial structures… You see I was born with a syndrome named Treacher Collins.
A syndrome I knew nothing about until we were expecting our first child.

I grew up knowing I was different--somewhat like my father, yet not quite the same. I had my rationalizations for why one ear was smaller--”I slept on it too much as a baby..” As for my voice--”one day I’ll have surgery and it will all be fixed.” And with child-like faith, I would go to bed at night, saying my prayer that when I woke up, I would be healed. There was no doubt in my mind that the day would come and I would be restored to my ‘rightful’ body. After all, somehow, I knew that I was beautiful. I would be a model. There was a stage with my name on it--and didn’t everyone want to hear me sing. So there it went, the voice of God whispering my name, I was loved, and was born for something. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew it was big.

Today, I have five children. Two of whom were born with an even more severe expression of treacher collins syndrome than mine. With a fair warning, that only the Holy Spirit could give, I prayed with all my might during labor with Michaela for strength in whatever lay before me. She turned purple in my arms as the nurse whisked her away to PICU for oxygen and to be monitored. She was trached only a few days later, the Friday after Thanksgiving. To say it was a trying time, would be an understatement. It was stressful, guilt ridden and full of worry. Somehow, God pulled us through, and showered us with other material possessions to make the time easier. We had been living as a family of five without a car--now six, with so many medical appointments and special equipment to cart around, the Lord saw to it, that we had proper transportation. People were placed into our lives, doctors, social workers, nurses, and therapists. Many of whom became friends. As I look back, I can see the grace of God leading us through the maze of trials, troubles and time of new challenges.

Wyatt came along 14 months later. He is the angel/light and companion to Michaela. Wyatt, though, unexpected to us, was chosen and expected by God. I still have the little red playsuit with his name on it. Wyatt was at University Hospital receiving his trach, and other procedures to make his life easier, when a nurse presented me with a playsuit that her sister just happened to have gotten at the LandsEnd outlet store as a deal. When she heard a baby boy had arrived with the name “Wyatt” she gave it to us. For me this is a sign, that, despite his troubles, Wyatt was destined and planned for his stint here on earth.


There are moments when I wish, it could all go away. Moments, when I wonder, what we would be if there were not the physical difficulties we experience. Just this morning, Wyatt asked me. “If God made me, why would he make me have problems?”
Good rationale. How could a God who is so perfect in every way, make me--not perfect?
So, I told Wyatt, that we are born into a ‘not perfect’ world, and that problems are a part of this world. I told him, that God would use his problems for His own purpose .I also told him that his gifts are special and that God had great plans for him. Most of all, I told him that someday, he would live with God and he would be perfect in every way. This excited Wyatt most of all. “You mean, I’ll have new eyeballs, and I’ll hear and not have any holes in my stomach!?” I nodded, yes, and he ran off with great excitement.

My life is far from perfect. I have troubles, but better than that, I have good times too. There are miracles which are so much more meaningful than if I looked like a movie star or had perfect hearing and speech. He gives me the opportunity to rely more closely on him. Sure, I have an ego, and get cocky about the things I can do. But these imperfections of mine, keep my life in check. When the speech I give at toastmasters moves people, when I win 1st prize in an area humorous speech contest, or am invited to tell my story, I have to chalk it up to a wonderful, awesome God who leads me on.

Would I trade it in? Oh, its tempting…, but, nope, because someday….as I told Wyatt, I will have my rightful body. For now, I am His servant. And, you know what? It is a wonderful life.

View my website: www.justcarmela.com

A Fine Line To Walk

Perusing the many news reels on Japan's Earthquake and Tsunami, this quote struck me.

"I never imagined we would be in such a situation," Watanabe said. "I had a good life before. Now we have nothing."

There is despair in these words and I cannot begin to imagine the feelings which are behind it, for I have never experienced the depth of what these individuals are going through right now. At the risk of sounding contrite, it reminds me that things of this earth are temporal. We cannot depend upon, nor put sole value in the work that brings about a good, solid life.

It strikes me because I've been striving as of late towards goals of achievement and success. These are not bad in and of themselves, but it is easy to become so focused on these that we lose sight of the One who turns the earth on its axis. As our finger finds the pulse of success, it is easy to be mislead into thinking that it is us that keeps the blood flowing into the power of that pulse. It is easy to take our eyes off of the life source and focus it on the pulsing rhythm of our daily life. We forget that we are building for a kingdom beyond these earthly shores. We forget that the jewels in the crown come from sacrifice, loving actions, and sharing the grace of God--not from surpassing the monthly quota, being published in a major magazine, or noted in a medical journal. All of these shall pass away.

Oh, what a fine line to walk: to be here on earth, enjoy it's riches and yet build for a kingdom which we have not yet seen. For at any given moment, these things of earth can be destroyed.
In what then, can we hope, if we lose all we have worked so hard for?

I pray today: O' Lord help me to shake loose of the temporal which blinds my focus. Let me not lose sight of that which is eternal.

Scripture: Matthew 7:13-14 "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Standing for Our Purpose

Okay, so I admit it. I often play Bible Roulette during my devotion time.

I was at it this morning --sitting in my rocker, coffee at my side, unsure of where to start. I flipped the book open and there I read the headliner " The Crucifixion". And, yes..my heart sank -just a bit. After all, I know the crucifixion story. I know Jesus suffered and died so that I may have everlasting life. I know they beat him. I know they mocked him. I know they were merciless.

Surely this wasn't the reading for me today. Yet, something in me persisted, so I read on.

The Soldiers Mock Jesus

...gathered the whole company of soldiers around him....stripped him....twisted a crown of thorns for his head...put a staff in his hand and mocked him.....spit on him...struck him...and then led him away to be crucified.

I was moved...and in my journal these are the words which came:

Jesus has compassion for those who are mocked, taunted and bullied because they are set apart.

Today I pray for those who feel isolated,
--set apart--
--lonely for who they are--
--what they represent--
--for being different.

The truth is that each one of us is different.
We are all set apart for works that God has created us to do.

Jesus could have let it go--backtracked, acquiesced, and given into the demands of the crowd.
He could have made adjustments to fit in and be their 'immediate hero', but he held onto his principles. He did not become distracted by a need to be liked or fit in. He stuck it out and finished what he was called to do.

What about me? What about you? Are we willing to hold onto our integrity and do what we know is our purpose?--the right thing?

Can we look beyond how the world sees us and stand firm in the purpose God has for us even when it makes us uncomfortable?

Trusting...beyond the Comfort Zone

I lay awake in the dark of night. My sinuses are clogged as I readjust my pillow so that the angle of my head makes room for air to sneak through my nostrils. If that were not bad enough my mouth is as dry as the arid desert from keeping it open to breathe. I am frustrated, angry and tired.

It occurs to me that I should use the rest room. Yet outside the comfort of my warm bed is the cold wooden floor. If I get up, I can relieve myself, provide moisture to the arid dryness which permeates my mouth and perhaps allow the stuffiness to shift in my sinus cavity. The question is....will I leave my bed? If I leave my bed, will it make any difference? In this moment, I know there is relief if I get up, yet...the comfort of my husband's warm body beside me and the coziness of blankets make it hard to move beyond the physical ease to what I know I must do in order to relieve the other discomforts.

In this moment I wonder how often I become stuck because I do not want to leave the known, the status quo or the familiar. Recently while reading of women who overcame great odds, they both mention moments in which leaving comfort or not having comfort as the option is what moved them beyond their situations.

The first was Liz Murray who wrote- From Homeless to Harvard. At a certain point she ponders the thought that had she not been 'uncomfortable' in her sleeping situations would she have gotten herself to school each morning to finish up her high school education?

The second was Ingrid Betancourt of 'Even Silence Has an End'. She writes of her six years in captivity in the Columbian Jungle. During one of her attempts at escape she briefly ponders leaving the dry 'comfort' of her 'cage' in order to face the rains and cold of the jungle with no guarantee of freedom.

My musings over getting out of a warm bed to relieve my minor discomforts pale in comparison to these two women, but it drives home a point to me. At any point in our lives in order to move beyond what we know, in order to grow to the greatness God has planned for us, in order to claim the power he has for us, we must move beyond our comfort zone. There is just no way around it.

Peter made the first step out of the boat to find that with faith, he could walk on water.

The loaves and the fishes had to be brought forth to show that thousands could be fed.

Noah needed to build the ark so that God could show his power and save his people.

Abraham needed to bring forth his son Isaac so that God could provide the ram in the thicket.

In our lives.....

*A word needs to be written on a blank sheet of paper.

*A bid needs to be made on the house.

*Business card needs to be ordered and passed out.

*An invitation needs to be given.

.....so that the power of God will be manifested.

Read Matthew 14:22-23. Peter walks on water.

Broken

Sometimes I delve into the closet called guilt and rummage around.
I pull out the mistakes I've made...the slow steady choices which at times seemed the only way to go. Now I weep at the culminated guilt which seems to me to spell out --RUINS--like the leftovers of a civilization gone wrong. (As dramatic as it sounds) I turn to you Lord, and ask, "how can I reconcile it?" "How can I replace it and make it all turn out well?"

I turn on the faucet labeled 'resolve' I do this in order to 'fix', 'make up for' and 'cleanse' my sin. Yet all that chokes out are particles of rust, soot and dirt. I know, Lord, that only you can turn the main valve which will pour out the cleansing water. I sit here at the spigot and wait. I wait for your living water to show me the channel to take. I want to climb aboard your boat and have you say to the storm--"Be Still."

The one thing I know that comes from my pain is the compassion and understanding of how this world and circumstances can lead to paths one would never think to take. It helps me to realize that things aren't always as simple as they seem. There is no cut and dried. "Follow this way" and the sum of your experiences will add to this equation.

The only thing that is true is you at the center of the cross. You are the central source for all we want and need. Yet, somehow we become distracted and get off course.

But let me clarify--I do not believe that in following you there is perfection in life or that there will be the 'Midas' touch but rather in our brokenness--and we all have it in some form or another--you are the safe port in which we can rest. For it is in our pain we see our short comings. In our imperfections we need you all the more. In our sorrow we cling to the hope and eventually we learn to sight the manifestations of your grace on a daily basis.

It seems, though, that sometimes on this earth it takes the sorrow to remind us to look heavenward and have greater compassion for the brokenness not only in others but in ourselves as well .

Mint Meltaway Miracle

Have you ever gotten a gift--so unexpected from your beloved that it nearly took your breath away?

Today, I received such a gift. So sweet, thoughtful, and completely unexpected that my eyes filled with tears.

It was like this. I went into Walgreens with my -learner permit, always ready for a drive- daughter to buy sidewalk chalk for the youngest two of the household. Before we went in, I announced to my daughter that I would get us a package of Fanny May Mint Meltaways to share. My husband can attest that these are one of my favorite candies. Sidewalk chalk in hand we headed for the candy aisle. I confidently reached into the box which would hold the Mint- Melt-Aways. All I felt was empty space. I picked it up, turned it upside down and nada. There was not even a crumb! I checked the Trinidad box next to it and all it contained were two packages of Trinidad chocolates. I sighed. I peered over the top of the shelf and there were no lone packages of Mint-Melt-Away chocolates. Out of luck. No other candy would do. Oh, well.

Yet on my way out, I made a last ditch effort as I asked one of the stock boys to see if there was another box of my 'fave' candy in the back. He went down the Easter specialty aisle and we followed to a point--realizing we couldn't go into the back. We chatted up the variety of Easter candy available for sale until he came back and noted that there was no box of Mint-Melt-Aways in stock.

And then the oddest thing, I glanced up and there on the shelf--right next to the Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs were two packages of Fannie Mae Mint Melt-Aways. A whole aisle over from where the original box was--in the Easter Candy aisle--my absolute favorite chocolate mint, melt in your mouth delicious treat--just for us! I scooped them up in absolute, surreal disbelief and excitement. For in my heart I knew it was a gift from my beloved. The creator of all things. My Lord, My God and Savior who would care enough to give me a token of his love.

When the cashier asked how my day was going...all I could choke out, was "better than I could have hoped for."


Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Daily 10

While using the treadmill this evening at the Y, I lamented over how I had become a ping pong in the game of life. I flit here. I whiizzz to the sound of that crisis. I react to the voice on my left, and run from the fear of failure. Somehow, that doesn't seem right, when God has a big purpose for my life. In fact, I hope it's no surprise to you, but he has a big purpose for yours as well.

As I continued on with my slow jog/fast walk, I came up with a small goal. I will do at least two miles a day. Sure, I can fit that into my hectic schedule--just 26 minutes out of my 24 hour a day life. I thought a bit more--after all, I was going nowhere fast. I could come up with a list from one to ten. Yeah! A daily ten list. I liked the sound of it. I could come up with a new daily ten for each month. After all, I get bored easily.


10. Throw out or give away 10 things per day.
9. Spend 9 undivided attention minutes with each of my 5 kids.
(They are teenagers and can only take so much of me.)
8. Give away 8 compliments/words of encouragement.
7. Pray for 7 people and their needs.
6. Sing 6 Praise songs out loud.
5. Eat five servings fruits and veggies.
4. Drink 4 eight oz glasses of water.
3. Write 3 pages.
2. Walk/jog 2 miles.
1. Commit to memory 1 scripture verse per day.

Today's Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear or timidity but of
power, love and self-discipline.

By following the daily 10, I will be given to self-discipline, and I will seek to live my life in love and seek out the power of God.

So what about you? What are your daily ten? I'd love to hear them!

What We Cannot Hear with our Ears, we must listen for with our souls.....

Saturday morning--9:07am and I've been without a working hearing aid since about 3:10 yesterday afternoon. Just like that--kaput. The natural hum of air conditioners, overhead lights and the ticking of clocks were erased from my world. Voices became muffled and I had to fall back on lip reading and body language.

Funny how when your outside world begins to disappear, your inner world of introspection ramps up a volume all its own.

With faith that my H.A. will move into full operation SOON--(do you detect my mounting impatience) I anticipate the epiphany that comes when the power suddenly returns after a period of silence and darkness.

Now, I can revel in this loss for a short spurt but when it goes on...and on...I have to reach inside for a resilience and acceptance so as not to add to my frustration.

I am grateful for the women at Subway last evening whose naturally booming, resonant voice made it easier to hear as I stop to pick up Friday night's Fast Food Frenzy for a family of seven.

I am grateful for my husband whose voice also carries and makes conversation easy and still possible--and for the cacophony of voices coming from my children which make me feel at home.

My eldest daughter, Everett joked that I'm now down 3 of my senses-smell.(check out my post Epiphanies of the Olfactory Sort), diminished sense of taste, and now--even more so, my hearing. I now have to kick into high gear...sight and touch. And for those of us with sixth sense...I rely more deeply on the connection of the divine with my soul.

With some pride, I note, how incredible it was that I went through the first half of my kindergarten year without the help of a hearing aid. More remarkable yet, was that my kindergarten teacher did not notice and was amazed that I did so well. Children are very adaptable and can often make up for that which they do not have. Please note the success of many children who are missing some body part or other from birth.

Yet, it is always more difficult to adjust to loss of what you know than to cope with what has been missing all along.

So, now here I am in my 40's. I realize what a great life I've had and how much I take for granted.

*A family who loves me unconditionally.
*A husband--true, faithful and steady.
*A job/career which for 15 years has provided a bi-weekly paycheck without fail--not to
mention great friends and co-workers who are ever true.
*The key to a house, which door has stood open to me on the same street and neighborhood
for over 11 years.
*A God, personal Savior and friend who will be steadfast forevermore.

As I experience these inconvenient losses--even for short periods--it is a great reminder that all of this shall pass away. It is a gift that I can be reminded to store up for myself treasures in heaven which will not rust nor perish. For one day I will have a new body--one that will not falter, a room in my Father's house, no tears and no pain. I will sing of his love forever.

For now I am grateful that I will always hear my Father's voice-hearing aid or not.

No complaints.....here...well, most of the time....

Okay...I admit it. I've been complaining lately. I have the red marks on my wrist to prove it.

Well, let me explain. Awhile ago I had overheard via a morning news show that some people were working on becoming. --not tobacco free, caffeine free, sugar free or fat free, but complaint free. And, in order to break the complaint habit they were wearing a purple plastic bracelet on their wrist. The bracelet was a reminder to be free of complaints. Each time a person who wished to be 'complaint free' would have a complaint, murmur, or discontent about their life, they would switch their bracelet to the other wrist to help him/herself become more conscious of this thought process. Switching the bracelet would also be an opportunity to express gratitude and look at the positive rather than the negative.

Being overwhelmed, and irritated more often as a by product of stress, I thought, this might be a great plan as I am not happy with where these negative thoughts are leading me in my life. Saturday morning I took a thick rubber band and put it around me wrist to see if it worked. For the first half hour, the band went back and forth so often one would have thought I was wringing my hands in distress. In so many ways, I guess I was.

Interestingly enough, my two teenage daughters caught on and did a little wrist changing of their own by Saturday night. It was fun to have some company--after all doesn't misery enjoy such a thing?

Where am I today--just two days later? Well, a little better off. Sure, I have a long way to go, but it struck me. I have so much to be thankful for--despite these irritations and misgivings. If I were to die tomorrow, or if all this would suddenly disappear, who am I to complain? I've already had so much more than a great number of others. So I say 'thank you, Lord'.

Read Psalm 63: 1-5

Psalm 63:5...My Soul will be satisfied....

Check out: <<>>
Read Will Bowen's Book , A Complaint Free World

The Illusion of Efficiency part 2

So here it is a week later and the benefits of my efficiency are: two long gone mutilated cartons of chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Some of its remnants may very well be housed somewhere on my hips. The yellow cupcake mix has been stirred, baked and devoured- while still remaining are smaller portions of the vanilla and chocolate frosting awaiting their fate with the chocolate cupcake mix. These will most likely be served as a treat for the first day after school. The bananas were mostly gone by the end of the next day and the poor guys with black spots swiftly moved to the fridge to await their doom as banana bread Oh, and the $1 cantaloupe is but a distant memory. The 'newbie' cashier( the source of my disgruntled wait) is most likely more adjusted to her job and the line at the local discount store is moving much more swiftly.

All this thought brings me back to Ecclesiastes Chapter 1.
"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher,
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

In my life, I do admit it. Very often, I can feel like nothing more than a dog chasing it's tail. I strive, I aspire, I plot, and pursue. For a brief few moments...like last Sunday, I can feel atop the world. The coupons line up on their dotted lines and they connect with the sales. The doors open and I breeze through until "WHAM" I'm face to face with the illusion that the glass did have a ceiling after all.

'It all had been going so well....' I whine. 'What happened?' Am I not in charge of my destiny? Do I not have the power to chart my own course? "If it is to be it is up to me" - right? Those 10 simple little words. Maybe. Maybe not.

So, Monday morning, I start off to work. As I merge onto the beltline, my mind begins a merger of it's own. " Every time, I don't spend money on x I'll put it in y. And any extra I get from z will go to help out a." " I will be efficient. I will get my ducks in a row. So ponder away I do. I am feeling powerful, efficient and in charge of my life!

Until....a van switches to my lane and there on the license plates it reads. Deut 8 18
A message from God! I quickly jot down the plate in my notebook and make a mental note to look it up later.

Deuteronomy 8:18 "But remember the Lord your God for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth and so confirms his covenant which he swore to your forefathers as it is today."

'Interesting.' I thought. So I went back a few verses and read some more.

I am to follow his commands. verse 1
I am to 'humble' myself. verse 2 and 14
I am to praise the Lord for his gifts and greatness. verse 10
I am to remember where/who it all comes from. verse 18

I cannot allow for the pride of my ways to diminish the truth that it is through God that my wealth(efficiency) and blessings come.

For when push comes to shove. This, that and the other of this earth is 'meaningless' as we have no true control over it all. It is merely an illusion that we do.

Meditate on this: Ecclesiastes 11:6-8
Remember him--before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken,
before the pitcher is shattered in the spring, or the wheel is broken at the well
and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God
who made it.

Meaningless! Meaningless! says the teacher. Everything is meaningless.

And yet...everything we do in God is everything.

The Illusion of Efficiency

What's my hurry?

I came in focused. I zeroed in on the deals, calculated my losses and tried to gauge which line would give me my best return.

Then it went south.

I took the risk and walked the length of the store to the 10 items or less line--after all I came in just under the wire with 9. And so there the game of entrapment ensued. The line was longer than I anticipated--but then again they all were. It would take me just as long to turn and walk the other way to the 20 items or less lines. I chided myself to 'be still'.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder if I could pick another line and escape from this discount store unscathed. I was doing so well. I managed to pluck a cantaloupe for a buck, stock up on two cake mixes to assure that the frostings opened this morning for Wyatt's donuts didn't go to waste-- ca-ching! at only 88 cents per mix.

I picked up the milk before we ran out. That'll save me time after work tomorrow. Two half gallons of ice cream for $5 in complimentary chocolate and vanilla. This will keep all the troops happy.

The bananas were just green enough to be the perfect ripeness by the time they've finished up the yellow ones in the basket tomorrow morning. No black spots for us! There were requests for M & M's for ice cream mix ins--on sale! Oops...I forgot Wyatt prefers peanut butter cups... and oila! - an 8 pack of peanut butter cups for merely a dollar magically appeared at a column just before the 10 items or less register. Plop! they went right into the cart.

Yes, smug I was at this job well done.
That was... until... the line slumped to a snail's pace.

Stay tuned and find out... did I jump the line?, did I arrive home with a melted mess? and what exactly did my Lord have to say to me about this obsession with being efficient?

Beautiful

Beautiful by Carmela Mulroe

I look at you in the mirror,
and contrary to what you may believe...
contrary to what others may have told you.

You are beautiful.

Your shoulders straight are beautiful.
Your breasts taut and proud are beautiful.
Your shape and curve are beautiful.
Your hair with color and shine are beautiful.
Your smile and the sparkle of your eyes are beautiful.
Your imperfections created in God's image and plan.....are beautiful.

Strip all away, shoulders, eyes, shape, hair --even imperfections and what lays beneath it all...
fluid, perfect and complete is the beauty you hold within.

Beautiful

Let us all rejoice today in the fact that we are 'fearfully, wonderfully, made'...in God's image and plan. Read Psalm 139 as a wonderful reminder. Embrace your beauty today.

Striving for....what?

Somewhere in the midst of July, just before I put my weary head down on the pillow one night, I turned to my husband and said, " I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't always striving so...if I could just live and not be consumed with what I am doing or not doing."

I must have been tired-so much so that I can't remember his response, or if he even gave one. I believe I was 'out' before my head even hit the pillow. I mentioned my strivings the next day to a friend. "I wonder what it would be like to not strive so?" I don't know that she quite got what I meant. I don't know if I even knew what I meant. As I tried to explain it, it sounded more like a complaint, or that I was tired of the work I was doing. Even now as I write this, I can feel the vortex pulling me in a spiral as I talk circles around this subject.

So....I've looked the word strive up in the dictionary. Here is what it said.

Strive: 1. Try hard, work hard; strive for self control. Strive to succeed.
2. struggle; fight; The swimmer strove against the tide.
(Scott Foresman Intermediate Dictionary)

Ahh, yes. I think I've found my trouble in definition number 2. I've turned my aspirations and callings into a struggle and fight. Is it any wonder that I am so tired at the end of the day? Is it any wonder that God's purpose and joy in my life begins to feel like an albatross around my neck instead of a gift? I begin to compartmentalize and count the ways of wrongdoings. Blame begins to point it's ugly finger.

You haven't written a post to your blog since June 25th.
There will be no posts for July--not a one!

If you want to write that book, you need to write at least two pages a day.
In a month that would be 60 pages--better than NOTHING!

Why aren't you walking every morning? You're not as young as you used to be.
Your body won't bounce back as easily.....

Get those brochures and letters out. People need to know you are
available for presentations.

And so it goes. The blame game runs itself, round and round and round until I am trapped in the center, mired with doubts, shame and blame. How can I unwind all this? How can I shake myself free from these strivings that leave me swimming upstream?

I need to relax a bit and let go of the reigns. Yes, I must work. Yes, I must do my part. But, where does my strength come from, but from God.

"Not by power or might,
but by my spirit, declares the Lord of Hosts."
Zechariah 4:6

Room on the Page

Sitting on the breezeway; curled up on the leather chair. Birds chirp outside; air conditioners hum and the woosh of an occassional car drives by the house.

It is a moment to be still--to obtain comfort from voices inside my house without needing to respond nor adhere to the meaning of their sounds.

My have to do list and my want to do list would cascade off even a legal sized page. But in this moment I choose to let those items all slide off. Instead, for a moment, I pretend the page is blank--completely white. And, I ask my God.
"What dear Lord, would you have me put upon that page?"


Why, I wonder, do I fill my page so that there is no room for my Lord to write?