Beautiful-Created for God's Design

Open Hands

2011-07-20T23:11:00.002-05:00

Open Hands

Carmela Mulroe

I hold my hands open in emptiness.

I hold my hands open in fullness.

********

I hold my hands open in emptiness waiting to be filled.

I hold my hands open in fullness waiting to be relieved of the heaviness I carry.

I hold my hands open:

accepting the ebb and flow of life,

the gift and grief,

the past, present, future,

and the desire to be whole.

I open my hands in acceptance of love, loss, life and death.

I open my hands in emptiness waiting to be filled.

In the Midst of All the Chaos

2011-06-11T14:53:00.016-05:00

Be Still (my soul) and know that you are God.

I live in chaos right now, Lord--there are bills, my husband, kids and all their energy, their needs and wants--all clamoring for attention in the midst of my job, my school and my ambitions.

Fighting for its life is my marriage which suffocates under the strain of financial stresses and responsibilities --all too numerous to mention.

You have promised ever-present help in times of trouble. So, yes...finally...after carrying the load..."Oh, no thanks. I've got it.....as one by one cartons tumble and I stoop to pick them up.

"No, don't worry." ...s t r e t c h i n g ......"I can reach it...." sigh....

As I carry load after load, sweat begins to drip from my forehead under the heat of strain, stress and stepping it up--once again!

My pulse quickens. Tempers flare and all I want to do is scream, throw myself on the floor and have an all out--KICKING--HEAD SPINNING---TANTRUM!

Finally --after I'm spent, red-eyed, and hoarse from all the commotion.....

I hear you whisper, "Hey, it's okay. I've got your back. It's all in my hands."

Always has been. Always will be. My ever present help in times of trouble.

Read Psalm 46 today.

Born This Way

2011-03-23T06:28:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, especially in high school, I would ponder the thought…”What if I had been born ‘normal’?” Normal to me would mean--normal hearing, normal speech, and normal facial structures… You see I was born with a syndrome named Treacher Collins.
A syndrome I knew nothing about until we were expecting our first child.

I grew up knowing I was different--somewhat like my father, yet not quite the same. I had my rationalizations for why one ear was smaller--”I slept on it too much as a baby..” As for my voice--”one day I’ll have surgery and it will all be fixed.” And with child-like faith, I would go to bed at night, saying my prayer that when I woke up, I would be healed. There was no doubt in my mind that the day would come and I would be restored to my ‘rightful’ body. After all, somehow, I knew that I was beautiful. I would be a model. There was a stage with my name on it--and didn’t everyone want to hear me sing. So there it went, the voice of God whispering my name, I was loved, and was born for something. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew it was big.

Today, I have five children. Two of whom were born with an even more severe expression of treacher collins syndrome than mine. With a fair warning, that only the Holy Spirit could give, I prayed with all my might during labor with Michaela for strength in whatever lay before me. She turned purple in my arms as the nurse whisked her away to PICU for oxygen and to be monitored. She was trached only a few days later, the Friday after Thanksgiving. To say it was a trying time, would be an understatement. It was stressful, guilt ridden and full of worry. Somehow, God pulled us through, and showered us with other material possessions to make the time easier. We had been living as a family of five without a car--now six, with so many medical appointments and special equipment to cart around, the Lord saw to it, that we had proper transportation. People were placed into our lives, doctors, social workers, nurses, and therapists. Many of whom became friends. As I look back, I can see the grace of God leading us through the maze of trials, troubles and time of new challenges.

Wyatt came along 14 months later. He is the angel/light and companion to Michaela. Wyatt, though, unexpected to us, was chosen and expected by God. I still have the little red playsuit with his name on it. Wyatt was at University Hospital receiving his trach, and other procedures to make his life easier, when a nurse presented me with a playsuit that her sister just happened to have gotten at the LandsEnd outlet store as a deal. When she heard a baby boy had arrived with the name “Wyatt” she gave it to us. For me this is a sign, that, despite his troubles, Wyatt was destined and planned for his stint here on earth.

There are moments when I wish, it could all go away. Moments, when I wonder, what we would be if there were not the physical difficulties we experience. Just this morning, Wyatt asked me. “If God made me, why would he make me have problems?”
Good rationale. How could a God who is so perfect in every way, make me--not perfect?
So, I told Wyatt, that we are born into a ‘not perfect’ world, and that problems are a part of this world. I told him, that God would use his problems for His own purpose .I also told him that his gifts are special and that God had great plans for him. Most of all, I told him that someday, he would live with God and he would be perfect in every way. This excited Wyatt most of all. “You mean, I’ll have new eyeballs, and I’ll hear and not have any holes in my stomach!?” I nodded, yes, and he ran off with great excitement.

My life is far from perfect. I have troubles, but better than that, I have good times too. There are miracles which are so much more meaningful than if I looked like a movie star or had perfect hearing and speech. He gives me the opportunity to rely more closely on him. Sure, I have an ego, and get cocky about the things I can do. But these imperfections of mine, keep my life in check. When the speech I give at toastmasters moves people, when I win 1st prize in an area humorous speech contest, or am invited to tell my story, I have to chalk it up to a wonderful, awesome God who leads me on.

Would I trade it in? Oh, its tempting…, but, nope, because someday….as I told Wyatt, I will have my rightful body. For now, I am His servant. And, you know what? It is a wonderful life.

View my website: www.justcarmela.com

A Fine Line To Walk

2011-03-13T21:08:00.004-05:00

Perusing the many news reels on Japan's Earthquake and Tsunami, this quote struck me.

"I never imagined we would be in such a situation," Watanabe said. "I had a good life before. Now we have nothing."

There is despair in these words and I cannot begin to imagine the feelings which are behind it, for I have never experienced the depth of what these individuals are going through right now. At the risk of sounding contrite, it reminds me that things of this earth are temporal. We cannot depend upon, nor put sole value in the work that brings about a good, solid life.

It strikes me because I've been striving as of late towards goals of achievement and success. These are not bad in and of themselves, but it is easy to become so focused on these that we lose sight of the One who turns the earth on its axis. As our finger finds the pulse of success, it is easy to be mislead into thinking that it is us that keeps the blood flowing into the power of that pulse. It is easy to take our eyes off of the life source and focus it on the pulsing rhythm of our daily life. We forget that we are building for a kingdom beyond these earthly shores. We forget that the jewels in the crown come from sacrifice, loving actions, and sharing the grace of God--not from surpassing the monthly quota, being published in a major magazine, or noted in a medical journal. All of these shall pass away.

Oh, what a fine line to walk: to be here on earth, enjoy it's riches and yet build for a kingdom which we have not yet seen. For at any given moment, these things of earth can be destroyed.
In what then, can we hope, if we lose all we have worked so hard for?

I pray today: O' Lord help me to shake loose of the temporal which blinds my focus. Let me not lose sight of that which is eternal.

Scripture: Matthew 7:13-14 "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Standing for Our Purpose

2011-01-05T20:51:00.005-06:00

Okay, so I admit it. I often play Bible Roulette during my devotion time.

I was at it this morning --sitting in my rocker, coffee at my side, unsure of where to start. I flipped the book open and there I read the headliner " The Crucifixion". And, yes..my heart sank -just a bit. After all, I know the crucifixion story. I know Jesus suffered and died so that I may have everlasting life. I know they beat him. I know they mocked him. I know they were merciless.

Surely this wasn't the reading for me today. Yet, something in me persisted, so I read on.

The Soldiers Mock Jesus

...gathered the whole company of soldiers around him....stripped him....twisted a crown of thorns for his head...put a staff in his hand and mocked him.....spit on him...struck him...and then led him away to be crucified.

I was moved...and in my journal these are the words which came:

Jesus has compassion for those who are mocked, taunted and bullied because they are set apart.

Today I pray for those who feel isolated,
--set apart--
--lonely for who they are--
--what they represent--
--for being different.

The truth is that each one of us is different.
We are all set apart for works that God has created us to do.

Jesus could have let it go--backtracked, acquiesced, and given into the demands of the crowd.
He could have made adjustments to fit in and be their 'immediate hero', but he held onto his principles. He did not become distracted by a need to be liked or fit in. He stuck it out and finished what he was called to do.

What about me? What about you? Are we willing to hold onto our integrity and do what we know is our purpose?--the right thing?

Can we look beyond how the world sees us and stand firm in the purpose God has for us even when it makes us uncomfortable?

Trusting...beyond the Comfort Zone

2010-12-05T20:07:00.007-06:00

I lay awake in the dark of night. My sinuses are clogged as I readjust my pillow so that the angle of my head makes room for air to sneak through my nostrils. If that were not bad enough my mouth is as dry as the arid desert from keeping it open to breathe. I am frustrated, angry and tired.

It occurs to me that I should use the rest room. Yet outside the comfort of my warm bed is the cold wooden floor. If I get up, I can relieve myself, provide moisture to the arid dryness which permeates my mouth and perhaps allow the stuffiness to shift in my sinus cavity. The question is....will I leave my bed? If I leave my bed, will it make any difference? In this moment, I know there is relief if I get up, yet...the comfort of my husband's warm body beside me and the coziness of blankets make it hard to move beyond the physical ease to what I know I must do in order to relieve the other discomforts.

In this moment I wonder how often I become stuck because I do not want to leave the known, the status quo or the familiar. Recently while reading of women who overcame great odds, they both mention moments in which leaving comfort or not having comfort as the option is what moved them beyond their situations.

The first was Liz Murray who wrote- From Homeless to Harvard. At a certain point she ponders the thought that had she not been 'uncomfortable' in her sleeping situations would she have gotten herself to school each morning to finish up her high school education?

The second was Ingrid Betancourt of 'Even Silence Has an End'. She writes of her six years in captivity in the Columbian Jungle. During one of her attempts at escape she briefly ponders leaving the dry 'comfort' of her 'cage' in order to face the rains and cold of the jungle with no guarantee of freedom.

My musings over getting out of a warm bed to relieve my minor discomforts pale in comparison to these two women, but it drives home a point to me. At any point in our lives in order to move beyond what we know, in order to grow to the greatness God has planned for us, in order to claim the power he has for us, we must move beyond our comfort zone. There is just no way around it.

Peter made the first step out of the boat to find that with faith, he could walk on water.

The loaves and the fishes had to be brought forth to show that thousands could be fed.

Noah needed to build the ark so that God could show his power and save his people.

Abraham needed to bring forth his son Isaac so that God could provide the ram in the thicket.

In our lives.....

*A word needs to be written on a blank sheet of paper.

*A bid needs to be made on the house.

*Business card needs to be ordered and passed out.

*An invitation needs to be given.

.....so that the power of God will be manifested.

Read Matthew 14:22-23. Peter walks on water.

Broken

2010-06-29T21:20:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I delve into the closet called guilt and rummage around.
I pull out the mistakes I've made...the slow steady choices which at times seemed the only way to go. Now I weep at the culminated guilt which seems to me to spell out --RUINS--like the leftovers of a civilization gone wrong. (As dramatic as it sounds) I turn to you Lord, and ask, "how can I reconcile it?" "How can I replace it and make it all turn out well?"

I turn on the faucet labeled 'resolve' I do this in order to 'fix', 'make up for' and 'cleanse' my sin. Yet all that chokes out are particles of rust, soot and dirt. I know, Lord, that only you can turn the main valve which will pour out the cleansing water. I sit here at the spigot and wait. I wait for your living water to show me the channel to take. I want to climb aboard your boat and have you say to the storm--"Be Still."

The one thing I know that comes from my pain is the compassion and understanding of how this world and circumstances can lead to paths one would never think to take. It helps me to realize that things aren't always as simple as they seem. There is no cut and dried. "Follow this way" and the sum of your experiences will add to this equation.

The only thing that is true is you at the center of the cross. You are the central source for all we want and need. Yet, somehow we become distracted and get off course.

But let me clarify--I do not believe that in following you there is perfection in life or that there will be the 'Midas' touch but rather in our brokenness--and we all have it in some form or another--you are the safe port in which we can rest. For it is in our pain we see our short comings. In our imperfections we need you all the more. In our sorrow we cling to the hope and eventually we learn to sight the manifestations of your grace on a daily basis.

It seems, though, that sometimes on this earth it takes the sorrow to remind us to look heavenward and have greater compassion for the brokenness not only in others but in ourselves as well .

Mint Meltaway Miracle

2010-03-21T20:58:00.005-05:00

Have you ever gotten a gift--so unexpected from your beloved that it nearly took your breath away?

Today, I received such a gift. So sweet, thoughtful, and completely unexpected that my eyes filled with tears.

It was like this. I went into Walgreens with my -learner permit, always ready for a drive- daughter to buy sidewalk chalk for the youngest two of the household. Before we went in, I announced to my daughter that I would get us a package of Fanny May Mint Meltaways to share. My husband can attest that these are one of my favorite candies. Sidewalk chalk in hand we headed for the candy aisle. I confidently reached into the box which would hold the Mint- Melt-Aways. All I felt was empty space. I picked it up, turned it upside down and nada. There was not even a crumb! I checked the Trinidad box next to it and all it contained were two packages of Trinidad chocolates. I sighed. I peered over the top of the shelf and there were no lone packages of Mint-Melt-Away chocolates. Out of luck. No other candy would do. Oh, well.

Yet on my way out, I made a last ditch effort as I asked one of the stock boys to see if there was another box of my 'fave' candy in the back. He went down the Easter specialty aisle and we followed to a point--realizing we couldn't go into the back. We chatted up the variety of Easter candy available for sale until he came back and noted that there was no box of Mint-Melt-Aways in stock.

And then the oddest thing, I glanced up and there on the shelf--right next to the Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs were two packages of Fannie Mae Mint Melt-Aways. A whole aisle over from where the original box was--in the Easter Candy aisle--my absolute favorite chocolate mint, melt in your mouth delicious treat--just for us! I scooped them up in absolute, surreal disbelief and excitement. For in my heart I knew it was a gift from my beloved. The creator of all things. My Lord, My God and Savior who would care enough to give me a token of his love.

When the cashier asked how my day was going...all I could choke out, was "better than I could have hoped for."

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Daily 10

2010-03-04T20:46:00.005-06:00

While using the treadmill this evening at the Y, I lamented over how I had become a ping pong in the game of life. I flit here. I whiizzz to the sound of that crisis. I react to the voice on my left, and run from the fear of failure. Somehow, that doesn't seem right, when God has a big purpose for my life. In fact, I hope it's no surprise to you, but he has a big purpose for yours as well.

As I continued on with my slow jog/fast walk, I came up with a small goal. I will do at least two miles a day. Sure, I can fit that into my hectic schedule--just 26 minutes out of my 24 hour a day life. I thought a bit more--after all, I was going nowhere fast. I could come up with a list from one to ten. Yeah! A daily ten list. I liked the sound of it. I could come up with a new daily ten for each month. After all, I get bored easily.

10. Throw out or give away 10 things per day.
9. Spend 9 undivided attention minutes with each of my 5 kids.
(They are teenagers and can only take so much of me.)
8. Give away 8 compliments/words of encouragement.
7. Pray for 7 people and their needs.
6. Sing 6 Praise songs out loud.
5. Eat five servings fruits and veggies.
4. Drink 4 eight oz glasses of water.
3. Write 3 pages.
2. Walk/jog 2 miles.
1. Commit to memory 1 scripture verse per day.

Today's Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear or timidity but of
power, love and self-discipline.

By following the daily 10, I will be given to self-discipline, and I will seek to live my life in love and seek out the power of God.

So what about you? What are your daily ten? I'd love to hear them!

What We Cannot Hear with our Ears, we must listen for with our souls.....

2009-09-12T08:54:00.005-05:00

Saturday morning--9:07am and I've been without a working hearing aid since about 3:10 yesterday afternoon. Just like that--kaput. The natural hum of air conditioners, overhead lights and the ticking of clocks were erased from my world. Voices became muffled and I had to fall back on lip reading and body language.

Funny how when your outside world begins to disappear, your inner world of introspection ramps up a volume all its own.

With faith that my H.A. will move into full operation SOON--(do you detect my mounting impatience) I anticipate the epiphany that comes when the power suddenly returns after a period of silence and darkness.

Now, I can revel in this loss for a short spurt but when it goes on...and on...I have to reach inside for a resilience and acceptance so as not to add to my frustration.

I am grateful for the women at Subway last evening whose naturally booming, resonant voice made it easier to hear as I stop to pick up Friday night's Fast Food Frenzy for a family of seven.

I am grateful for my husband whose voice also carries and makes conversation easy and still possible--and for the cacophony of voices coming from my children which make me feel at home.

My eldest daughter, Everett joked that I'm now down 3 of my senses-smell.(check out my post Epiphanies of the Olfactory Sort), diminished sense of taste, and now--even more so, my hearing. I now have to kick into high gear...sight and touch. And for those of us with sixth sense...I rely more deeply on the connection of the divine with my soul.

With some pride, I note, how incredible it was that I went through the first half of my kindergarten year without the help of a hearing aid. More remarkable yet, was that my kindergarten teacher did not notice and was amazed that I did so well. Children are very adaptable and can often make up for that which they do not have. Please note the success of many children who are missing some body part or other from birth.

Yet, it is always more difficult to adjust to loss of what you know than to cope with what has been missing all along.

So, now here I am in my 40's. I realize what a great life I've had and how much I take for granted.

*A family who loves me unconditionally.
*A husband--true, faithful and steady.
*A job/career which for 15 years has provided a bi-weekly paycheck without fail--not to
mention great friends and co-workers who are ever true.
*The key to a house, which door has stood open to me on the same street and neighborhood
for over 11 years.
*A God, personal Savior and friend who will be steadfast forevermore.

As I experience these inconvenient losses--even for short periods--it is a great reminder that all of this shall pass away. It is a gift that I can be reminded to store up for myself treasures in heaven which will not rust nor perish. For one day I will have a new body--one that will not falter, a room in my Father's house, no tears and no pain. I will sing of his love forever.

For now I am grateful that I will always hear my Father's voice-hearing aid or not.

No complaints.....here...well, most of the time....

2009-09-07T20:55:00.004-05:00

Okay...I admit it. I've been complaining lately. I have the red marks on my wrist to prove it.

Well, let me explain. Awhile ago I had overheard via a morning news show that some people were working on becoming. --not tobacco free, caffeine free, sugar free or fat free, but complaint free. And, in order to break the complaint habit they were wearing a purple plastic bracelet on their wrist. The bracelet was a reminder to be free of complaints. Each time a person who wished to be 'complaint free' would have a complaint, murmur, or discontent about their life, they would switch their bracelet to the other wrist to help him/herself become more conscious of this thought process. Switching the bracelet would also be an opportunity to express gratitude and look at the positive rather than the negative.

Being overwhelmed, and irritated more often as a by product of stress, I thought, this might be a great plan as I am not happy with where these negative thoughts are leading me in my life. Saturday morning I took a thick rubber band and put it around me wrist to see if it worked. For the first half hour, the band went back and forth so often one would have thought I was wringing my hands in distress. In so many ways, I guess I was.

Interestingly enough, my two teenage daughters caught on and did a little wrist changing of their own by Saturday night. It was fun to have some company--after all doesn't misery enjoy such a thing?

Where am I today--just two days later? Well, a little better off. Sure, I have a long way to go, but it struck me. I have so much to be thankful for--despite these irritations and misgivings. If I were to die tomorrow, or if all this would suddenly disappear, who am I to complain? I've already had so much more than a great number of others. So I say 'thank you, Lord'.

Read Psalm 63: 1-5

Psalm 63:5...My Soul will be satisfied....

Check out: <<>>
Read Will Bowen's Book , A Complaint Free World

The Illusion of Efficiency part 2

2009-08-26T21:20:00.001-05:00

So here it is a week later and the benefits of my efficiency are: two long gone mutilated cartons of chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Some of its remnants may very well be housed somewhere on my hips. The yellow cupcake mix has been stirred, baked and devoured- while still remaining are smaller portions of the vanilla and chocolate frosting awaiting their fate with the chocolate cupcake mix. These will most likely be served as a treat for the first day after school. The bananas were mostly gone by the end of the next day and the poor guys with black spots swiftly moved to the fridge to await their doom as banana bread Oh, and the $1 cantaloupe is but a distant memory. The 'newbie' cashier( the source of my disgruntled wait) is most likely more adjusted to her job and the line at the local discount store is moving much more swiftly.

All this thought brings me back to Ecclesiastes Chapter 1.
"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher,
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

In my life, I do admit it. Very often, I can feel like nothing more than a dog chasing it's tail. I strive, I aspire, I plot, and pursue. For a brief few moments...like last Sunday, I can feel atop the world. The coupons line up on their dotted lines and they connect with the sales. The doors open and I breeze through until "WHAM" I'm face to face with the illusion that the glass did have a ceiling after all.

'It all had been going so well....' I whine. 'What happened?' Am I not in charge of my destiny? Do I not have the power to chart my own course? "If it is to be it is up to me" - right? Those 10 simple little words. Maybe. Maybe not.

So, Monday morning, I start off to work. As I merge onto the beltline, my mind begins a merger of it's own. " Every time, I don't spend money on x I'll put it in y. And any extra I get from z will go to help out a." " I will be efficient. I will get my ducks in a row. So ponder away I do. I am feeling powerful, efficient and in charge of my life!

Until....a van switches to my lane and there on the license plates it reads. Deut 8 18
A message from God! I quickly jot down the plate in my notebook and make a mental note to look it up later.

Deuteronomy 8:18 "But remember the Lord your God for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth and so confirms his covenant which he swore to your forefathers as it is today."

'Interesting.' I thought. So I went back a few verses and read some more.

I am to follow his commands. verse 1
I am to 'humble' myself. verse 2 and 14
I am to praise the Lord for his gifts and greatness. verse 10
I am to remember where/who it all comes from. verse 18

I cannot allow for the pride of my ways to diminish the truth that it is through God that my wealth(efficiency) and blessings come.

For when push comes to shove. This, that and the other of this earth is 'meaningless' as we have no true control over it all. It is merely an illusion that we do.

Meditate on this: Ecclesiastes 11:6-8
Remember him--before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken,
before the pitcher is shattered in the spring, or the wheel is broken at the well
and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God
who made it.

Meaningless! Meaningless! says the teacher. Everything is meaningless.

And yet...everything we do in God is everything.

The Illusion of Efficiency

2009-08-23T21:34:00.004-05:00

What's my hurry?

I came in focused. I zeroed in on the deals, calculated my losses and tried to gauge which line would give me my best return.

Then it went south.

I took the risk and walked the length of the store to the 10 items or less line--after all I came in just under the wire with 9. And so there the game of entrapment ensued. The line was longer than I anticipated--but then again they all were. It would take me just as long to turn and walk the other way to the 20 items or less lines. I chided myself to 'be still'.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder if I could pick another line and escape from this discount store unscathed. I was doing so well. I managed to pluck a cantaloupe for a buck, stock up on two cake mixes to assure that the frostings opened this morning for Wyatt's donuts didn't go to waste-- ca-ching! at only 88 cents per mix.

I picked up the milk before we ran out. That'll save me time after work tomorrow. Two half gallons of ice cream for $5 in complimentary chocolate and vanilla. This will keep all the troops happy.

The bananas were just green enough to be the perfect ripeness by the time they've finished up the yellow ones in the basket tomorrow morning. No black spots for us! There were requests for M & M's for ice cream mix ins--on sale! Oops...I forgot Wyatt prefers peanut butter cups... and oila! - an 8 pack of peanut butter cups for merely a dollar magically appeared at a column just before the 10 items or less register. Plop! they went right into the cart.

Yes, smug I was at this job well done.
That was... until... the line slumped to a snail's pace.

Stay tuned and find out... did I jump the line?, did I arrive home with a melted mess? and what exactly did my Lord have to say to me about this obsession with being efficient?

Beautiful

2009-08-17T21:34:00.004-05:00

Beautiful by Carmela Mulroe

I look at you in the mirror,
and contrary to what you may believe...
contrary to what others may have told you.

You are beautiful.

Your shoulders straight are beautiful.
Your breasts taut and proud are beautiful.
Your shape and curve are beautiful.
Your hair with color and shine are beautiful.
Your smile and the sparkle of your eyes are beautiful.
Your imperfections created in God's image and plan.....are beautiful.

Strip all away, shoulders, eyes, shape, hair --even imperfections and what lays beneath it all...
fluid, perfect and complete is the beauty you hold within.

Beautiful

Let us all rejoice today in the fact that we are 'fearfully, wonderfully, made'...in God's image and plan. Read Psalm 139 as a wonderful reminder. Embrace your beauty today.

Striving for....what?

2009-08-02T18:37:00.010-05:00

Somewhere in the midst of July, just before I put my weary head down on the pillow one night, I turned to my husband and said, " I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't always striving so...if I could just live and not be consumed with what I am doing or not doing."

I must have been tired-so much so that I can't remember his response, or if he even gave one. I believe I was 'out' before my head even hit the pillow. I mentioned my strivings the next day to a friend. "I wonder what it would be like to not strive so?" I don't know that she quite got what I meant. I don't know if I even knew what I meant. As I tried to explain it, it sounded more like a complaint, or that I was tired of the work I was doing. Even now as I write this, I can feel the vortex pulling me in a spiral as I talk circles around this subject.

So....I've looked the word strive up in the dictionary. Here is what it said.

Strive: 1. Try hard, work hard; strive for self control. Strive to succeed.
2. struggle; fight; The swimmer strove against the tide.
(Scott Foresman Intermediate Dictionary)

Ahh, yes. I think I've found my trouble in definition number 2. I've turned my aspirations and callings into a struggle and fight. Is it any wonder that I am so tired at the end of the day? Is it any wonder that God's purpose and joy in my life begins to feel like an albatross around my neck instead of a gift? I begin to compartmentalize and count the ways of wrongdoings. Blame begins to point it's ugly finger.

You haven't written a post to your blog since June 25th.
There will be no posts for July--not a one!

If you want to write that book, you need to write at least two pages a day.
In a month that would be 60 pages--better than NOTHING!

Why aren't you walking every morning? You're not as young as you used to be.
Your body won't bounce back as easily.....

Get those brochures and letters out. People need to know you are
available for presentations.

And so it goes. The blame game runs itself, round and round and round until I am trapped in the center, mired with doubts, shame and blame. How can I unwind all this? How can I shake myself free from these strivings that leave me swimming upstream?

I need to relax a bit and let go of the reigns. Yes, I must work. Yes, I must do my part. But, where does my strength come from, but from God.

"Not by power or might,
but by my spirit, declares the Lord of Hosts."
Zechariah 4:6

Room on the Page

2009-06-25T19:19:00.002-05:00

Sitting on the breezeway; curled up on the leather chair. Birds chirp outside; air conditioners hum and the woosh of an occassional car drives by the house.

It is a moment to be still--to obtain comfort from voices inside my house without needing to respond nor adhere to the meaning of their sounds.

My have to do list and my want to do list would cascade off even a legal sized page. But in this moment I choose to let those items all slide off. Instead, for a moment, I pretend the page is blank--completely white. And, I ask my God.
"What dear Lord, would you have me put upon that page?"

Why, I wonder, do I fill my page so that there is no room for my Lord to write?

Epiphanies. of the olfactory sort....

2009-06-10T20:48:00.005-05:00

The first thing you must understand is that I haven't smelled much of anything...or I could say I have smelled just about absolutely nothing since February of this year. It's this sinus thing that came upon me January 22nd to be exact.

The first line of my journal on that evening--

" A red letter day--and today, I cannot breathe. I find myself mired in this physical difficulty. .....
I am getting closer to my visions and thus the very breath is being sucked out of me."

Dramatic, yes, I know--perhaps a bit. But you must know that air at that point was not getting in nor out through my nostrils. Short of hanging myself upside down from the ceiling, I was trying everything and NOTHING was working! A doctor's visit, sudafed, a call to the nurses hot line and many suggestions later...I could breathe, but I was continuously blowing, sniffling, taking my dosage of sudafed and telling myself--'Not too much longer, this will end.'.

Funny, though, when I think back, I cannot remember when exactly my ability to smell vanished. It was probably during one of the 'stuffed up' episodes when I didn't take too much notice of that one little fact as I concentrated on clearing passages so that I could indeed, breathe.

Food wasn't so much fun either, but hey, I could stand to lose a few. I learned to fend off the comments.."Do you still have that cold?" "What does the doctor say?" Life was busy after all and who has time for such trivialities as 'smell'.

It turned out...I did. Around March, I became weary and missed that I could no longer smell the coffee brewing. Cookies were in the oven and I had to watch the clock more precisely because I didn't catch the "almost done" smell I used to rely on. Showers, shampooing and sudsing up were all now 'senseless' acts. Which shampoo to use? Did it really matter?

Towards the end of March I went to spend a few days with my parents, as I spent time there I realized with great sadness that I was not smelling the fragrant cooking smells often associated with my father's kitchen. I would leave that weekend and have no sweet smelling memories of garlic, bread baking, nor tomato sauce simmering. At such a moment I felt the depth of my loss. It was the Sunday morning before I was to return home that I experienced my first 'smell epiphany'.

We had just finished the noon meal when all of a sudden 'smells' assaulted me and I couldn't quite distinguish them one from another. I began sniffing wildly. To which my father looked at me and said, "What's wrong...? Something smell?" "Oh, yes...something smells! But it's a good smell!" I could smell the tomato sauce, I put a forkful of homemade pasta to my nose and I swear I could even smell the pasta. I picked up my cup of coffee and smelled the richness of the dark roasted coffee beans. I took a slice of the homemade bread and inhaled in the musty smell of yeast and flour. I smelled the cheese, the olives, and even the butter. I believed I had experienced a miracle...but as quickly as it came...sadly, it was gone.

I would have a few more of these experiences in which I would have the luxury of smelling cinnamon, oatmeal, my own perfume, hand cream, bacon frying in hot grease and the musty odor of the garage. I have come to call these moments 'smell epiphanies'. For me they are nothing less than the Alleluia Chorus sung by angels. Unfortunately they last all of about 5 minutes.

Yesterday afternoon, I had another one of these 'epiphanies'. It happened about 3:15 in the afternoon while preparing to frost the 'graduation cupcakes' for our 8th grader. Out of nowhere a scent wafted through my nostrils. It was the sweet smell of warm chocolate from the cupcakes.
It was a moment to grab. Quick! What would I like to smell? I picked up a sandwich half and put it near enough to smell. Interestingly enough, I could dissect the sandwich down to the scent of the lettuce. What next? The roses I purchased for the graduate beckoned to me from their vase. Ohh, such sweetness! I had to go back a couple of times for more. My daughter laughed from her chair on the breezeway as I carried on so. I ran from thing to thing because I didn't know how long this epiphany would last. As always, I smelled the coffee grounds, I smelled a cupcake, the frosting canister, ....what next? Outdoors! I pushed the screen door open, ran to the yard, picked up a pot of dirt...and just wasn't sure if that was a smell or not....tried again...and realized it was over. As quickly as it began, it ended. Sigh.....

There are so many moments in my life, I need to grab and savor...because I just don't really know when they will end. This olfactory problem makes me keenly aware of the importance of the little things. We just can't take them for granted. Life changes and there is indeed a time for everything.

Father, Let me sing while my voice can still carry a tune. Let me hug while loved ones are near. Let me walk the miles my legs allow me to go. Let me send cheerful notes to those who can still open envelopes, and let me give thanks for all the blessings big and small that make a difference in my days.

Vexed Ego

2009-06-07T21:51:00.006-05:00

Are you God's Host or your Egos's Hostage?
I heard this phrase once and have used it as a question especially when I have become overly attached to the outcome of my pursuits in terms of how well I did or did not perform. One area in my life where I am very hard on myself is during a scrabble game. ..... Ok, I admit it. I am very competitive. I may not show it outwardly, but I want to win. I want big points for the words I come up with.

One such game was interesting as I relentlessly tried to score high against a friend who is an excellent scrabble player. My trouble on this occasion was that I kept picking low scoring letters along with way too many vowels. So, of course, the big counters just weren't happening. Slowly and oh, so insidiously I became more and more unhappy with my results. Doggone it...what kind of word could I make? Last I checked 'eieio' wasn't really a word outside of McDonald's farm! My friend's score rose by leaps and bounds and mine merely trickled, 10 points here, 8 there and maybe a whopping 15 over here. The more her score accelerated, the more I gagged and fumed over the smoke left in her wake.

And then it came...that silent little voice that often nudges at me. " you can only do the best with what you have" and my bigger, bossier voice said, 'well, if I was worth my weight in letters, I'd be able to come up with something better than this."
(small silent voice) "be reasonable, just do the best you can."
(bossy alter ego) "Well, come on now, I just need a little meat here. something to work with --cut me some slack!"
(small silent voice) "Have you ever thought of the people out there who just do the
best they can--with what they have?"
(bossy alter ego) "What does that have to do with scrabble? Ugh! Would you look at that--another triple letter score!"
(small silent voice) 'sigh'

The game went on- word for word. Once again it was my turn and on my wooden holder stood 3 E's a D, 2 I's and a U. My eyes scanned the board for what little hope I placed in finding a stellar word. And then as if someone turned the light on in heaven, I saw a place to put my precious e and d. On the end of the word 'vex' with the nearby 'go' I could intersect the two and make 'vexed ego'!

Finally some points that mattered. I was thrilled and amazed at how perfectly my two little scorers could work their way in to what I would term as a home run or a touch down! I still had what it took to make a creative play.

(small silent voice) " ...that's what you have.."
(bossy alter ego) " a nice move!"
(small silent voice) "...no, a vexed ego."

As my friend continued to peruse the board for her next move, I went to look up the word 'vex'.

Vex: 2. to torment, trouble, distress, plague, worry.

When I put them together, I stopped dead in my tracks. Here I was so consumed by winning that I placed the value of who I was as a child of God primarily on my ability to get 'high scoring' words. Did I not realize that it wasn't all about 'me'? Did I not realize that in this world sometimes, we can only do the best we can and leave room for the miracles of God to pave the way?

When I put too much stock in my own abilities, I begin to become plaqued and tormented by the worry that I am not enough. I put all my actions under a microscope and continue to disect how I could've done better, faster, and greater. I begin to compare and contrast to the actions of others. I soon become my ego's hostage. I edge God out and I am no longer his host.
My peace is gone. So I turn to scripture for the prescription of a vexed ego.

Phillipians 2:3 -5 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude to be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

What's control got to do with it?!

2009-05-12T21:44:00.005-05:00

This morning in the shower I felt overwhelmed.

The pellets of water cascaded over me and try as I might to list all the things I was thankful for: wonderful mother's day-with kids I love, new pepper seedlings sprouting, a rewarding job, a repaired vehicle..... my mind kept taking me back to the bills, the rush of trying to keep up, sibling rivalry, the future forseen and unseen.

I tried to lay claim to my rights as a child of the God who is mighty, my fortress, my refuge and strength. Finally I sighed in frustration and asked..'why Oh Lord, with thankfulness and laying claim to your word do I still feel overwhelmed...and well, miserable?'

An almost immediate response came to the depths of my inner being--'because you want to control it all.' It stopped me in mid-sudsing. "I do NOT want to control it all." I protested.
"I just want to do it right." After all, if I parented right, budgeted right, pulled the weeds in a timely manner, wrote daily, created better to do lists, was organized, stayed on top of things, my life would not be out of control!

At the near point of hyperventilating at the thought of all I was not doing 'right' in my life, I quickly rinsed off and stepped out of the shower to get some air. "I do not have time for this" I hissed to myself.

The minutes marched on and I quickly grabbed my stuff and headed to our room to prepare for the day ahead. I flipped on the tv and Joyce Meyer talked about children in Cambodia who had to scavage for food daily at the dump. I thought about children who were hungry here in our country, people who lost jobs and went without. I was also reminded of people who did work hard--very hard, but still couldn't make ends meet. After all vehicles break down, accidents happen, and relationships can crumble. Even Jesus said, "in this life you will have troubles." I was trying so hard to have no troubles that it was robbing me of my peace. "No, " I thought to myself. " I cannot control it all."

The tension in my body started to relax itself. With a few more deep breaths, I gave it up. I am no more in complete control of my own life than a tree is in control of what direction the wind blows its leaves. I can only do what I can do and relinquish the rest to God.

Edward Everett Hale said:
I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something.
And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

My prayer for today: Lord help me to realize that I cannot control it all. Help me to do what I can and leave the leftover 'stuff' to you. Amen.

The Choice is Ours......

2009-03-30T20:45:00.004-05:00

It all began with an apple. To eat or not to eat? That was the question. Or was it?

In life the choice is always ours. To be or not to be? To believe or to not believe? To follow, or not to follow?

In an individualistic society as we have today--it all boils down to my own person or God's person? Nicodemus was told that he could have the kingdom of heaven in John 3 if he were born again. The rich man in Matthew 19 was told he could have the kingdom of heaven if he sold all he had and followed Jesus.

Each of these men--including us--have that choice. Do we want to hold onto all we have on this earth--in this world? OR do we want to choose the life that God has for us?

If only it were as simple as to whether we will eat the apple, or not. Heck, I'd give up apples for eternal happiness and bliss.

But, will I give up control? Will I give up the notion that I am the center of my universe? Will I give up the possibility of the self made life of glamour and grandeur that the media promises me daily?

Sunday morning I felt the tug at my soul. There was the sobering thought as I came to the morning light. 'Many--though I don't like the implication of this word--will choose self over God.' It will be more important to use the 'free will' God has given to be the individual self separate from God than to be with God.

To some individuals-with myself at risk as well--the cost/risk of losing God is of less importance than being all that we want to be--right or wrong. Has self bravado and the mark of individuality become more important than being in the image of God?

In the beginning was the choice. Woman and man chose self. Jesus came to offer us another chance at the choice. What will you choose?

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." Phil 2:3-5

Do not grow weary......for you will reap a pepper!

2009-03-08T18:52:00.004-05:00

A motivational speaker stated, it's not how many seeds in the apple that count but rather how many apples in the seed. In my case- peppers.

My saga began during the first week of August 2008 when I cut open a red bell pepper and decided to take the core of seeds and plant it in a 16oz bright yellow smiley face mug. I scooped in some dirt, placed the core of seeds(I didn't even bother to spread them), covered them with dirt, added water, placed them on a sunny window ledge and hoped for the best. After about a week and a half passed, I noticed a few green sprouts. I quickly scooped up the yellow mug and took it for a tour of the office. "Look, I'm getting pepper plants!" Everyone nodded politely and went back to their work. Vigilantly I watered, watched and waited expectantly for the next milestone of pepperhood.

Reluctantly, I left for vacation with strict orders to my staff, "Don't let anything happen to the pepper plants!" They complied and my pepper plants had grown about another 1/2 inch by the time of my return. And so it went...water, watch and wait. Water, watch and wait.

The time had finally come when I could count about 24 sprouts in that mug. It was time to separate this growing family and leave them room to thrive in separate pots. I took a family portrait and stuck it to the side of the indoor greenhouse plastic. This way they could remember their heritage and the bright yellow mug they came from.

With so many changes coming to the pepperdom, I consulted with my seasoned gardner/father for advice. It was not the news I wanted to hear. "You won't get peppers." he said matter of factly.

" But what if I keep the plants indoors...in a greenhouse?" I was grasping for straws.

I had made it this far. What was I to do? I couldn't just give up, stop watering, and neglect this new life that had come to be. Could I? His response to my protests--"It isn't very likely".

As in all things, time passed. I continued to water and watched as the plants became sturdier and the leaves green and plentiful. During the holidays I gloated as a proud parent to my own parents on the growth taking place. My mother, ever the practical one, stated that the plant could have all the leaves it wantd but without flowering there would be no fruit, ahem 'pepper'.

Not too long after this conversation--lo and behold I had not one, but two flowers come to rest upon one of the pepper plants. I was beside myself with joy. Again the plant made it's rounds among the staff and residents. This time I got a little more than a nod and my consistent vigil started up once again. It was with great disappointment that I had to report that the flowers dropped from the leaves and no pepper was in sight.

Life went on. I learned to knit. I continued my blog, my children needed me more, the snow fell and winter colds came and went. Through it all I watered, watched and waited. Then, not too long ago, I noticed a couple of flowers popping out not on just one plant, but now two! I took these two plants from the pepperdom and set them right near my desk and windowsill.

Last Sunday evening--March 1st I spoke with my father over the phone in regards to summer gardening. Again the topic of the pepper plants came up. "Do you think if I put them outside this summer I might get some peppers?" I waited for the answer I wanted. "No, Carm, I don't think there will be any peppers from those plants." I sighed. Perhaps I could start again with a new batch.

Later that evening, I went into work to catch up on a few things. I glanced up over my computer toward one of the plants. The flowers seemed to be sticking to something. I stood up to get a closer look. It was a green bump. "By golly...could it be...Lord, of all things...a pepper!!!"

Heaven and earth moved. I sat down in that moment and wrote on a post it note--" Let us not grow weary of doing good for at a proper time we will reap a harvest -if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Jesus and everything, we''ll ever need.

2009-02-25T01:47:00.004-06:00

I am writing in the wee hours of the morning to break the spell of not writing. It's not that I haven't thought of writing and actually have some well penned articles in my head. There's the one about playing scrabble and my vexed ego, the one I want to tribute to my father--"Memories of my father"--while he still lives, and the other about becoming like a child in order to enter the kingdom of God.

Somehow my overriding need for "doing it right" is winning over the "just get 'er done". Well enough is enough. I am writing for better or for worse. It may not flow. Hey, it just might be 'all over the map', and abounding with one cliche after another. Yet, there is a part of me that just needs to fill space. Whatever happened to I am loved by God just because. " I am fearfully wonderfully made"?(Psalm 139 13:14)

My inner life is fraught with all I should be doing, should have done, and should plan to do.

Whatever happened to 'be still and know that I am God"?(Psalm 46:10)

Two memories come to mind:

1. I was on a bus, rushing to meet my next connection on the way to work. My mind was moving faster than my body as my stress level mounted with each item I remembered on my list of things to do. Suddenly--out of nowhere, in my mind's eye I saw Jesus standing in a doorway and he said, "What's the rush? I'll still be here." It took me back for a second and opened my eyes to the fact that my rushing and stressing was not going to make one iota of a difference. Jesus is always there for me.

2. One day as I was clearing the altar at work after a church service for our residents, I received a strong feeling and voice of God in my heart tell me that " I will provide 'everything' you need." I did not get the sense that it was all about material items. He literally meant 'everything'--courage, time, resources etc...to do what he called me to do.

So now, I will end this-abrupt as it is. For I will always have Jesus, and God will provide 'everything' that I need--and for you too. : )

Be Still...Be Silent.....

2009-02-04T21:00:00.003-06:00

What do you say when you have nothing to say?

The silence falls around you.

Do you embrace it?
Or make an effort to fill it?

Silence hangs like dead weight.

It is so thick...only words can cut it.

But if you are brave enough to withstand the pressure, and wait patiently.....
it will lift like the morning fog, and you will see things more clearly than ever before.

Fill in the blank...Go ahead, I DARE you!

2009-01-25T19:47:00.002-06:00

Be truthful...we've all said " I am not _______(strong, talented, young, old or good) enough." at one time or another.

David did not think he was strong or big enough.
Moses did not think he was leader enough.
Sarah and Abraham did not think they were young enough.
Mary Magdalene did not think she was good enough.

But we learn along the way, that when God is involved we are enough. In my own life I was born with a syndrome called Treacher Collins, and for much of my life, I would wonder if I was enough. With treacher collins syndrome, I was born with hearing loss and a cleft palate. A hearing aid corrected my hearing to an extent, and surgery closed up my palate. However, my facial depressions--especially around the cheek bone area remain. So, I don't look or talk like your average person. Some people notice more than others.

I've carried on and God has given me a wonderful life. But doubt does sometimes creep in.
I love to sing, and I have been told I have a nice voice. Yet, when I was in the 6th grade and a new member of a choral group named the 'songsters', a friend and I were on the playground. We were speaking to a boy in our class and telling him that we had both made it into the music group. The boy seemed shocked and said to me, "Sing..?! You can't even talk." This filled me with some self-doubt. It made me wonder how others perceived me. It made me wonder if I would be enough to pursue my love of song and performing for others.

As time goes on, I see God opening the doors to share my story. It involves getting up in front of others and trusting that with God at my side, I am enough.

I especially love to sing the chorus of two songs: "Here I Am Lord" and "On Eagles Wings"
When you put them together,

Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.

And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, Bare you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand.

it is a complete equation. 1. You step forward and give yourself to God. 2. He comes forth and raises you up on wings like eagles.

So, regardless of what you think, regardless of what you've been told, with God at your side, you are _________(fill in the blank) enough.

Even Moses was not indispensable.

2009-01-18T20:26:00.007-06:00

About a week ago while out shopping for bins to store Christmas decorations,I was talking with my daughter about how I liked storage containers and organzing. She took a double take to see if she heard right, and then questioned me with a surprised-"You organized?" It took me back a bit. Believe it or not, I was once considered organized. Yet as I thought about my daughter's reaction, I couldn't exactly blame her. My current life flies at me so quickly, I, in no stretch of the imagination, would come across as organized.

At first I felt slightly wounded. What happened to that person I knew as organized? Upon deeper reflection, I began to realize that there were a few traits that I once counted as concrete in the foundation of who I was..that no longer stood. As I reflected further, it brought to mind the older adults that I work with and the fact, that they too have probably lost out on some of their traits that they found to be tried and true. Perhaps Mary had the best memory this side of every elephant in the zoo. Then one day a friend noted that she hasn't been remembering all the birthdays she once did. In fact, she may have forgotten a few altogether in the past year. Belinda has always been known for her singing voice, and now that her empheseyma has taken over, her voice doesn't hold the same melodic fervor it once did. Oscar could hit any ball out of the park. Now he sits on the sidelines and coaches his grandson on the fundamentals of baseball.

Its not easy, but all of us at one point in our lives need to relinquish the roles that God has assigned and move onto other roles. We need to remember that we are not the roles we play. Underneath it all, we are God's creation and destined to be where we are at each point along the road. St. Therese of Leisiux learned through her time as a cloistered nun and through her eventual illness..'as I become less and less, He comes to be more.'

Now more than a week after these musings, I opened my Bible up to the first chapter of Joshua and began reading: "After the death of Moses, the servant of the Lord, the Lord said the Joshua son of Nun, Moses'aide 'Moses my servant is dead. Now then you and all these people get ready to cross the Jordan river into the land I am about to give to them--the Israelites.'

It struck me...like a 'I could've had a V8 commercial'. We all have our roles to play, but time marches on, and God will use anyone to set his people free. It's humbling. It's not about me after all.

In this world, we all want to hold onto the adjectives and labels which make us important and worthwhile in society. It may be, best salesperson, great public speaker, writer, quickwitted, best chef, decorator etc... But when we hold onto these labels as our main identity, we put ourselves at risk at holding our own selves and talents up for idolatry. We soon become fearful of losing the talents that God gave us to share and to use "for such a time as this."

A dream, a new bike and his word

2009-01-12T05:56:00.004-06:00

Psalm 119: 105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Just before waking this morning I had a dream in which I was trying to pedal my bike. The bike looked fine, and didn't seem in disrepair, but I could not get the bike pedal to move forward no matter how hard I tried. Eventually my companion and I decided that it might be time for a new bike. This old one just wasn't working. I felt resistance to getting a new bike. I liked this old bike and other than the pedal not moving forward--it was just fine.

Eventually my sister Marguerite came over and had told me that she found some new bikes for us. She did not bring the bikes in for the visit, but she had in her hand warranties and manuals for us to read. That was about as far as the dream took me. When I awoke, the verse from Psalm 119 came to my mind. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

My interpretation is that --if the "bike" I have will not pedal anymore, I need to find a new vehicle or I will not move forward. My "pedal" is stuck. The manual and warranties that I need to possess are all in my Bible.

As confirmation, this mornings devotional from Streaming Faith Devotionals spoke about how we need to get into God's word and claim his promises to move forward in our lives.

What about you...is your 'pedal' stuck? Get into God's word and move forward!

The Ageless Soul

2009-01-11T20:15:00.003-06:00

Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in God alone.

Recently as I stood in line behind a woman in the grocery store. I noted how shopping for one was markedly different than shopping for seven. I also noted that this woman was most likely in her 80s. She stood tall and straight, but I couldn't help but notice some of the affects of aging in her wrinkles, jowels, and slow actions. My mind quickly assessed that she was once young. I tried to picture a younger version of this now older woman. As I waited my turn, I mused over the fact that she was once a baby and that the same soul which resided in that infant body, is still the same soul which resides in this elderly body today. With faith in an everlasting life in Christ...this same soul will live out eternity with God. I find this mind boggling.

Turn this over in your brain and read Psalm 139--especially verses 13-18. It makes you realize that your soul is infinitely connected to your creator. Wow!

Snapshots

2008-12-30T07:30:00.000-06:00

Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, the holidays abound. Frenzy mounts with each passing day as the clock ticks away the precious moments left to complete the many tasks I have preordained for myself. There are gifts to buy and to wrap, There are the many traditions I have yet to start, like creating a “pass it forward” chain of kindness from one neighbor to the next, the hope of homemade gifts, and carols around a piano that we do not yet own.

My mind swirls with excitement at the advent of each new Christmas season. “Oh, the things we will do….!” Inevitably, my intentions are squeezed out among the throngs of shoppers at the nearby shopping mall. I drop them one by one and hope to hang onto the precious morsels which convey the true meaning and value of my life--like watching my children in the annual Christmas Pageant at church, seeing my children hug their grandparents, or coming upon a child behind a closed door trying to wrap a homemade gift for one of her siblings.I am not there yet, but I am trying hard to accept my life for what it is. I am trying to accept my life for what I can accomplish within the parameters of my reality. Frequently, I am guided by the many pictures painted in the Ladies Home Journal, Family Circle, or other well meaning publications which focus on creating the best that life has to offer.

Within the kinetic energy of raising five children, I am learning to grab the moments when I can and frame them like cherished photographs in my memory. This past week after supper, I was so tired that I climbed into the recliner, pushed back, snuggled into a faux fur throw and fell asleep for a few moments under the glimmer of Christmas lights. I awoke to find myself alone with the others at the back of the house, so I took time to leaf through some Christmas memory books. The memories, and gratitude for my family glowed under the lights of the tree. I felt warm and knew that as simple as it was, this was going to become a snapshot memory in my mind. Another “snapshot” will be of Wyatt walking with a spruce branch flung over his back after an afternoon of tree hunting and chopping. His Santa hat was atop his head with his name facing back instead of forward. From behind , it was the perfect picture memory.

Unfortunately, we were just out of film. Instead I will commit this print to my memory. A simple thought, perhaps. But for me it frames perfectly, the afternoon I shared with my family.What are some of the snapshots you will commit to memory long after this holiday season is over? They need not be momentous events. Look for the simple joys, frame the memory, and 'click'. Your memory will last a lifetime.

Making a Life

2008-11-11T19:18:00.001-06:00

It is said that we make a life not by what we get, but rather by what we give. This past weekend, I participated in the celebration of the life of my cousin, Mary. By definition she lived a palmarian life. (palmary is defined as outstanding or best.) Separated- it is pal and mary. In so many ways Mary was a pal to me who gave the gift of fun, laughter and joyful abandon.

Over the weekend, I had many opportunities to reflect on her life and it's relation to the lives we all live. In making a life it is good to be focused on where you are and what you are good at. I tend to flit from one opportunity to another. You've heard the phrase-'jack of all trades and master of none.' People who have focused like Mother Theresa or Billy Graham have indeed accomplished great things. Mary was good at being where she was in the moment. Even though she spent the last few years in a nursing home, she was totally present to the staff and other residents. So much so that they all benefited from her caring and compassionate personality. She didn't wish to be somewhere else, or nag or complain. She made life better for others.

While you are making a life you will be interrupted. And sometimes, it is these interruptions that make the best life experiences. Mary's life was interrupted when she needed to go to a nursing home, and yet...it became her life's work. She touched so many lives. Truly she bore fruit of the spirit. My life was interrupted when she passed on, and yet...being with family and celebrating her life will be a very meaningful memory--sad as it is.

Each life is individual. There is no other life like it. Recently I saw a sign which said, "Be Yourself....everyone else is taken." So often we look to others and the qualities we admire and think that we could have a better life if we too had those qualities. Mary was an outgoing, social person who had a way of making everyone feel special. As I perused her scrapbook, I could see that she was not a scholar, but she was a people person. Her dance card was full! I must admit as I looked at all her pictures, the joy she spread and her ease at being with others...I made such statements to myself like..."I want to be more like Mary." Yet, I realize...no one will be like Mary, but Mary. I am priviledged to love her.

Finally- it is important to live life with gratitude and be connected with our creator. I am thankful for my wonderful family who taught me the value of sharing, being there for one another, laughter and play and most importantly unconditional love.

I look to my creator and thank him for the opportunity to live such a beautifully connected life.

I especially thank him for my family and the chance through family to be a part of Mary's life.

It is full....very full.

Take this job...and honor it.

2008-10-26T19:06:00.000-05:00

" Blessed are those whose strength is in you ,who have set their hearts on pilgrimage."

Psalm 84 1(NIV)

It had been a long week. It had been a stressful week which left me feeling that there were not enough hours in a day--not enough hours in a lifetime to manage all I felt called to do.

The alarm went off Friday morning. I shuddered as I was overwhelmed and my feet had not even touched the floor. Groggily I made my way as I followed the footprints etched in our wooden floors. First stop, bathroom, second stop, 4 scoops coffee grounds 1 pot of water- , and third stop, the computer. Everything clicked along as usual. No life shattering emails, and surprisingly my morning devotional had not yet arrived. So, I decided to check up on my blog. No comments.

Absentmindedly, I clicked the button at the top of the blog which said,-Next Blog- . To my amazement--there in black and white, it said,." "Don't complain about your job" Following this statement were an assortment of photos which showed people carrying out jobs that were less than desireable such as wading in sewage water, carrying toilets on backs, or sticking heads down overflowing sewage holes. The kicker was that the rest of the blog was in another language-that I don't know. Check it out! God has a sense of humor !http://www.oosthuysenattorneys.blogspot.com/ Then in the righthand column was the scripture Psalm 84:5-7 -also written in English.

As I meditated on this verse, it gave me pause. Have I truly set my heart upon the pilgrimage that God has set before me? Or am I more caught up in my own hidden agenda? As I pass through the valley, do I make it a place of springs(light and refuge for others)? Or do I weigh others down with my complaints and grumblings? Do I truly rely on God to provide my strength one step at a time until the day comes when I stand before him? Or do I belabor the thoughts of " I can't do all this...."?

Later that morning while helping residents to lunch after their church service, MaryAnn held a song sheet in her hand. "This little light of mine..I'm gonna let it shine..." The elevator doors closed and we sang..."this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...."

The day ended, I got as much done as I could--with God's help, and I let my light shine.

Blessings to you on the pilgrimage God has set before you.

Heaven, really?

2008-10-21T06:32:00.000-05:00

As children, heaven brings up all sorts of fanciful thoughts-angels floating on clouds, endless dishes of hot fudge sundaes, no chores or bedtime. Yet the things of God are beyond our comprehension as St. Paul reminds us in 1Corinthians 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind conceived what God has prepared for those who love him. (NIV)

As we grow older, sometimes we discard thoughts of heaven-partially because we don't want to think about dying and partially because it is almost too overwhelming to contemplate. Yet for believers, heaven is a reality we can look forward to. While preparing a sermon for our residents at the nursing home I work for, I chose the topic "Trusting in Heaven". I decided to search www.crosswalk.com for the word 'heaven' in the scriptures. I was amazed to find 407 entries. Yes! 407 times heaven is mentioned in the Bible. This shows how important heaven is the scheme of God's plan. It begins in Genesis 1 when we are told that God created heaven and earth. In Matthew 6:30, Jesus commands us to store up treasures in heaven. And why not..if that is ultimately where our home will be?

It will be such a drastic change from life on earth that I liken it to the Sunday evening show Extreme Home Makeover when a family often has been living such a substandard life, that volunteers come and rebuild their home. The moment comes when Ty Pennington yells, "MOVE THAT BUS!" The family is overwhelmed by the change as they've gone from hardship to extreme grandeur. I imagine that is what heaven is like--beyond our wildest imagination. "MOVE THAT CLOUD!"

Yet, as our imaginations can run wild...there is truly only one thing that will make heaven worthwhile for me. That one thing is being reunited with my creator and savior. Some years back there was a movie starring Robin Williams entitled- "What Dreams May Come". This movie tells the story of a man who ventures to the afterlife to find his wife. He goes to 'heaven' and there are beautiful colors, and the opportunity to do anything. The movie has a happy hollywood ending as this couple is reunited. But all I felt was empty. Sure it was pretty, fanciful, and ideal, yet where was my God? Where was the connection that we all truly yearn for?

Heaven? Not without my God and Savior.

Choices

2008-10-16T21:25:00.001-05:00

This past week, I had the privilege of spending two days with my son Wyatt on an environmental field trip to Upham Woods in the Wisconsin Dells. It was a wonderful time of sharing and spending time with my youngest son.

Yet, we all know that time away like this often does not come without some price. For me the price was the anxiety that I felt upon my return of all the 'catch up' I would need to do both at home and at work. As the minutes ticked on-edging me closer to the work day ahead, the list of complaints mounted.--'there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done', why do others seem so much more relaxed?, what is wrong with me...that I can't do it all?', I was so focused on what I wasn't getting done, that I was losing the beauty of the time that I had spent in the past two days. I was missing out on the time I had in the car with two interesting teen daughters--who actually wanted to come with me--even if it was for first choice on the snack and drink items. As I drove on I recalled what Mrs. Storms, the fifth grade teacher announced the kids after breakfast. "Today is October 14th-2008. It is the only October 14th 2008 you'll ever have. Greet the day!" So there it was-the evening of October 14th 2008. The only one I'd ever get. So I chose to shrug off the 'to do list' and enjoyed the fact that I had two daughters to shop with, money to buy the groceries-along with a tub full of cookie dough, and the anticipation of fresh baked cookies and cold milk before bed.

Buried Treasure

2008-10-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

Buried treasure...where is my treasure? Can I find it when all about me is uncertain?

Layer by layer the things of this world seem to be stripped away. In the headlines, hurricanes remove edifices that once were home to many. Babies in China trustingly suckle milk that is poison. The stocks have been caught in the undertow and upwardly mobile dreams seem to be spiraling downward.

Where then do I place my hope?

1 Timothy 4:10 "....that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the savior of all men, and especially of those who believe."

Where then do I find my happiness and peace? 1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it."

Jesus himself said, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where rust and moth destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where rust and moth do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is your heart will be also." Mt.6:36-37

It is in times like these that we are forced to take a closer look. Where is my treasure?

If your true treasure is buried, I invite you to dust it off and take time to polish that which truly matters. Seek to lend a helping hand, put a smile on someone elses face, bake a loaf of bread for the soup kitchen, and sing a song of praise and worship. The ground beneath you will feel firmer. Your heart will beat lighter and your treasure will sparkle on the horizon.

Love Song From the Creator

2008-10-05T19:51:00.000-05:00

Wyatt, Wywee, Wywoo...anyway you say it, we love you! He will always be my baby. Hard to believe he is 10 years old and in the fifth grade.

Perusing some snapshots I found this one of Wyatt and me.

I still remember cradling him as a baby and singing this little sing song tune I made up for him.

"It is happy for you, it is happy for me, together we make a nice family."

In fact I had a conglomeration of little tunes I made up for each of the kids as I sang them into their slumber. There was no one song fits all. Each one stirred a new song from me. I imagine that it is that way with our creator-- a song and love language that each one of us responds to in his/her own way. For me...he often communicates with license plates and other serendipitous messages that come through words and songs. I love it.

For me the number 747--has been the 'wink' I get from God at times.

I'll never forget the day, I was walking and saw a phone number on a real estate sign with '747' in the phone number. I asked him....'am I crazy to think that this number means anything to me from you?' I continued to walk on and through the parking lot...when there at the end of the lot was a white mini van...You'll never guess the license plate! 7474747. Imagine....he loves us that much to speak to us in our own language and song. Take a look around...and listen. He's singing a love song to you today.

No Longer Busy

2008-10-02T21:17:00.000-05:00

Busy: I don’t want to be busy anymore.

At one time it was chic, the buzz word, the pat answer to the question—“How’s it going?”
“oh, you know….busy.” We smiled back that knowing smile and nodded in agreement. Yes. Isn’t it great to be successful, upwardly mobile….accomplishing so much?

Now, as I look the word ‘busy’ up in the dictionary, it tells me otherwise. Busy can be in addition to occupied:
ornate, disparate, or clashing in design or colors; cluttered with small, unharmonious details;

So, I don’t want to be busy, I want to be purposeful, organized and accomplished. I want a sense of inner peace which comes with balance. I want what Ecclesiastes 3:1-9(NIV) boasts about
-a time for everything.

· 1.
· There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
· 2.
· a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
· 3.
· a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
· 4.
· a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
· 5.
· a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
· 6.
· a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
· 7.
· a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
· 8.
· a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
· 9.
· What does the worker gain from his toil?

I can only believe that the answer to this question is the sense of satisfaction at a job well done. I can only hope that my work will make this world a better place, that someone has laughed, smiled and been given the sense of hope and knowledge that God and love do exist.
I am no longer busy. I am helping to create the kingdom of heaven and storing up for myself—treasures.

Good Day/ Bad Day-- Good Day!

2008-09-30T21:32:00.000-05:00

Tonight-8:30ish on my way home from getting a gallon of milk, bag of chocolates , bunch bananas and bologna, I lamented being tired with so much more on my rotating list of things to do.

And then it hit me. God allows us to grow tired, so that we will finally slow down and rest.

So now, 9:30ish, I take a few moments to take stock of the last two days.

Yesterday--started low and ended high.
Today--started high and ended low.

In one of Shakespeare's plays, a character states--"nothing is good nor bad, but thinking makes it so."

In the Bible, King David laments over the ups, downs and imperfections of life in Ecclesiastes.
Basically, we work hard, have a few good times, a few bad times...and it's over.

Not too promising--except that at the end of the day, God is there for us. At the end of my life, God will be there for me, also. I may not always understand the 'whys' of happenings, but in the end, I know I am his child, that all things work for the good of those who love the him, greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world, and if God is for me who can be against me?

So, with all that on my side. I guess it was a good day after all!

Thank God for My Parents

2008-09-28T21:53:00.000-05:00

This weekend in tradition of celebrating my mother's birthday, I went home. Traditionally my mother's birthday--for the past few years--has fallen on a weekday. This means I went alone-sans husband and kids. I had come to enjoy this time of being the only child to my parents--therefore, I selfishly chose to go alone this Friday afternoon to wake up to my mom on her birthday Saturday morning.

Along with being relaxing, I was reminded yet again--how truly lucky I am that my mom was born and chose to have me.--(along with my soulmate sis).

Those things that were taken for granted as a child--a mother who was consistent, fair and loving, a father--who has an amazing capability for invention and creating great meals from simple foods.--were brought to light. There were indeed a few moments when I had to hold back tears of great love and appreciation.

I am so proud, that my mother creates beautiful quilts out of scraps of materials. She helped to mold me into a confident, creative, and ambitious person despite my imperfections.

I am proud, that my father who always admonished--'life is what you make of it.' practices what he preaches as he squeezes so much out of each day.

The highlights of my weekend--
-Trying pickled egg plant and liking it! So much so, my father made me a batch and taught me the fine art of pressing eggplant.
-Going to Mass Sunday morning with my dad.

-Shopping with my mom at Target and being able to watch as she picked out a new jacket and scarf to accentuate her beautiful white hair.
-Visiting with an Aunt and cousin--just like old times.
-Playing 500 Rummy with mom and dad.
-Simply being loved for who I am.

About Me--My Wonderful Life

2008-09-28T19:43:00.000-05:00